“I hope [God] cares about finding me as much as I care about finding him…”

Splsh4Ripls3 Comments

The following is one of many, many stories people have shared with me after the tragic and devastating news surfaced of Jeriah Mast’s sexual crimes against boys in Haiti. This, followed by the beyond-devastating response of Christian Aid Ministries and, as you will read here, *some* Anabaptist churches.

For many, the reality of those crimes has faded into oblivion, carefully masked behind the miracle story of God releasing CAM’s hostage-taken short term missionaries. (Albeit to the tune of several million dollars).

For others it remains the dark and demonic misrepresentation of a God who blesses such things. The author here is one such person. Honour their story. The harm done has imm dilate and eternal consequences. And the church/religious community’s response, no less so.

*****

My world shifted off its axis in 2020. I will never forget the way my whole body turned to ice, and I could feel myself begin to dissociate when we were exhorted across the pulpit that it was better not to talk about the scores of victims of CAM and Jeriah Mast. There were prayer requests for Jeriah and his family and for CAM, but I cannot recall that I ever heard anyone publicly mention his victims at all. I watched in utter shock and disbelief.

I still cannot fathom the conservative Anabaptist response. I can say with confidence that no non-Anabaptist organization could do the horrific things that CAM has done and still receive our support. We would never tolerate those crimes in an organization that wasn’t our own. I don’t know if church will ever feel safe again.

For years I have fought through trauma to attend church. I rock my babies and listen to sermons in the same building, where, I, as an already traumatized teenager, was assaulted by adult men. The grace of God, fear of going to hell, and witnessing the aftermath of someone else’s suicide is the only reason I didn’t slit my wrists after that day. So many times I eyed the razor in the bathroom, and pictured the blood and water swirling down the drain, releasing me at last.

As an adult, until 2020, I made all the excuses in the world. They didn’t know better. I was a difficult child. If I had behaved better all the things wouldn’t have happened. After 2020, there were no more excuses left. NOTHING those other children had done or didn’t do, could ever excuse the tiniest bit of what CAM and Jeriah did to them. WE provided the resources used to coerce those children, WE knowingly sent multiple missionaries with known allegations of abuse to have access to some of the most vulnerable children on earth.

The last time we sang “People of the Living God” in church, I froze. I COULD NOT sing those words. I had a vision of dozens and dozens of beautiful children – Jeriah and CAM’s victims -crouched in the shadows outside the safety of our church walls, listening to those words float out through our windows, and wondering what sort of a monster God must be, if we, who represent Him, care so little about the wanton destruction of innocent bodies and souls. Those children found no more mercy and care inside our church building than I had years before.

Church has become the place where we sacrifice souls while we sit in our smug self assurance that we are the true people of God. These people inside the church, they are bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. These little ones in the shadow of the church’s walls – they are heart of my heart, soul of my soul.

I am both inside and outside the church building. Sitting inside with those singing, while also crouching, shivering, in the shadows outside, wondering what sort of a God this Living God truly is.

Is He who they said He is? And if He is, how can I trust Him? And yet, if He were not the Living God, I would not be living either.

I hope that He cares about finding me as much as I care about finding Him.

~ Anonymous ~

*****

These sentiments are shared by others. Even so, it is jarring for me to hear them and read them again and again. I’m glad people feel safe to express these losses to me, even when all I have to offer is the validation that I hear them and I understand. I really, really do.

The men around Achan died back in Joshua’s day. I don’t reckon things have changed much. Except how God no longer sends Joshua along to deal with Achan. But it seems still to be the people around ‘Achan’ that pay the price.

Healing begins with acknowledgment of the depth of wrong done and harm caused.

As always…

Love,

~T~

©️Trudy Metzger 2024

Sherry Showalter’s story of sexual, emotional and spiritual trauma and healing

Splsh4Ripls3 Comments

Introduction:
The following story was sent to me via Messenger, from the author, whom I had never heard of before. She asked if I might share her story, so I asked if she wanted me to share it on my blog. That’s how this post came to be.

As you read her story, parts that bring her comfort may be triggering for you. .

Over the years, victims have shared with me how hard it is to sit in church — sometimes the very building in which they were sexually abused — and listen to ‘the right words’ when they were treated so harshly. Their suffering shamed and disregarded, while their abuser was forgiven and coddled, accepted as godly, and embraced where they were rejected. Some find comfort in church again. Some never do. Both are ok. There are other ways to find fellowship without a designated building.

Many have also shared how triggering it is to hear that God will use our trauma for good. This is particularly traumatic if you are taught that the horrible things that happen to you are somehow ‘God’s will.’ What kind of god ‘wills’ for children to be raped and abused … and then ‘uses it for good’? And what kind of ‘church’ promotes this warped theology?

Children being raped is not the will of any God I would trust. These horrific acts are not his will, nor is the harm survivors suffer. They never were His will. They never will be. It is called ‘spiritual bypassing’ to avoid contending with hard reality and try to explain away harm by spiritualizing trauma and tragedy.

God’s will was that we run around naked in a garden, oblivious to all but relationship and beauty. That was God’s will. He didn’t make evil, death and trauma ‘his will’, just because that’s where we find ourselves. He redeems. He restores. But He doesn’t bring sexual abuse and violence into our lives and call it His will.

His will, to be true to His nature as shown in the bible, must always be redemption, restoration, healing and wholeness. Not the hell of life. That suffering is the tragic aftermath of human sin. And human sin never is God’s will, therefore nor is the aftermath of it. That, or He is not God at all. He cannot be both the Redeemer *and* the one whose will is that we suffer at the hands of sin..

As you read Sherry’s story, remember that ‘bringing good from evil’ doesn’t mean, ever, that the evil was designed by God or ‘God’s will.’ And if you can’t step foot in church because of the trauma and abuse you have suffered, I reckon Jesus will sit with you outside of that building. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

It wasn’t.

~ Trudy ~

*****

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ sexual and spiritual abuse.

I feel like it is time to share a little piece of my story and testimony.

First, I want to say the following:

1) I want to state, that not all plain conservative churches respond to sexual abuse in the way mine was handled. I have since been a part of a conservative group that were NOTHING like how I grew up.

2) This is NOT a poor me, pity me post. This is, however, a post of how God can take the most awful things done to us by those who call themselves Christians, and use it for good. It is about God taking the ugly, the darkness and the lies I’ve been told and replacing it with His Wholeness, His Righteousness and His Truth.

I believe it was the year of 2008.

I was living in the basement of a couple from church. Over time, I came to trust them and open up to them. They gave me a lot of sound biblical advice. They cared. One night I decided it was time I tell them that I had been sexually assaulted. They had promised that they wouldn’t tell anyone. “Well, at least not right now,” he said. I went to bed that night feeling lighter in heart and spirit than I had in a long time. I no longer carried my shame and pain alone. I thought I would finally be able to heal from the trauma. Maybe the future would be okay to face after all. Little did I know the pain, the betrayal and the heart crushing trauma that lay ahead.

The next morning, I was informed, at the breakfast table, that one of the ministers and his wife were coming over any minute to talk to me. I asked him, “you didn’t tell them what I shared did you?” Yes, he said, I did. I felt my heart leave my chest and drop to my stomach with a gut wrenching nausea. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone else about it yet! I used up all the courage I had the night before! They arrived and I had to talk about something I wasn’t ready to share with anyone else at that point. As we talked, I was informed that I would need to make a confession in church because it had happened even after I was a member of the church! I was horrified and tried to tell them it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it! I plead with them while tears streamed down my face and my whole body shook from the inside out. It didn’t change their minds. They said, by confessing it to the whole church I would find healing and forgiveness.

On the night that the church gathered, I sat there and made a decision. I would wall off another piece of my heart. I would bury it where not even God could find it. Anger boiled inside me as my trauma, shame and ugliness was told to the whole church. I was re-traumatized that night. I felt assaulted all over again in front of the whole church. I felt even dirtier and more shame than before. I walked to the back of the church where I stood as each member came and shook my hand. Most of the members said, “we forgive you.” A few said nothing at all. 5 ladies whispered in my ear, as they pulled me in to embrace me, “I am so sorry this happened to you, or you didn’t deserve this.” (Those 5 ladies will forever have a place in my heart ❤️) But to each person who said “we forgive you” I wanted to punch them and scream at them, “THIS WASNT MY FAULT!” By them saying, we forgive you, they were telling me that it was my fault, that I had some dirty sin that needed to be forgiven! (Or, that is what it felt to me they were saying)

Something happened to me that night that changed me in ways they will never know. Only after much counseling have I been able to heal and forgive them for the pain, trauma, and the spiritual abuse they caused me. After many years I am finally at a place of wholeness enough to share.

A few people who have heard my story have asked, “how are you even still a Christian and go to chruch?” I answer them with a question, “How can I not?” How can I not be a Christian and worship God in a church house? It wasn’t Jesus who failed me or hurt me, it was people.”

Jesus found that piece of my heart that I buried away. He nurtured it, He held it and when I finally let Him, He healed it. He put it back in place. My heart is whole, but it has many scars on it and that is okay, because you want to know something? Jesus has scars too and He bears those scars for me and for you.

To anyone who has experienced this trauma and pain, or any other, you are not alone. I care about your pain. I understand if and why you may not have the courage to set foot in a church right now. And that is okay. Your heart needs time and space to process and heal. I know God will bring to you healing from the darkest of darkness in your heart. One day you will be able to go back to church and realize that it’s okay to be there, it doesn’t hurt anymore because of what Jesus will do in your life.

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭TPT‬‬

I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this gracious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ.

– Sherry Showarlter –
Bio: Sherry is married with a son who is a miracle. She loves singing, animals, being a mom, gardening, and making food for other people.

****

If you find yourself in a state of trauma and suffering as a result of sexual, spiritual or other abuse, there is support available. Finding a trauma informed counsellor who understands the harm abuse does, and helps you move beyond the harm to healing, is a powerful gift. I’ve heard horror stories of ‘counsellors’ — some licensed, some not — who have escalated the harm through ignorance, or who have no clue how to invite survivors to healing. If you have a counsellor and you are still stuck in the same place 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or — as in one case — almost 20 years later, I might suggest finding a different counsellor. If they urge you not to report or speak of the abuse, run for the hills. If they do not support you in what *you* need for healing, run for the hills. There are sincere and effective counsellors. Don’t give up until you find one, if that is what you need.

Above all, I wish you healing and hope. Life is hard enough with hope, to walk through this suffering with no hope is harder.

As always….

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2024

Public response to anonymous email defending Jonas and Joanna

Splsh4Ripls

Today a comment was sent in response to my previous blog. It was intended to be posted as a public comment. However, I proof all comments to prevent unnecessary harm to survivors. The comment named the survivor who shared her story in that blog, therefore I did not approve it.

First, if you are close enough to Jonas and Joanna to defend them, then you are close enough to know basic rules of protecting victims. And in my space you don’t get to name them. Respect their anonymity here.

Now to the comment, which I will post here in a screenshot. I am happy to respond to your question.

What would I do if three *of the young women who lived with J & J …. tell a different story? The same thing I would do if dealing with a family where one child is raped and the rest go unscathed. Or when one person in a church is abused and harmed but the rest of the church says they had a good and peaceful upbringing.

I would be happy for those not harmed. I would hear the one harmed and give them a voice. As stated in my previous blog, I have screenshots of text messages and voice messages forwarded to back up various claims. It is very obvious that incredible harm was done.

A family member of J & J — who is a former pastor and still in ministry at some level at the time of calling me — challenged me on the wisdom of going public. In turn, I asked him if he had ever challenged Joanna for going public with abusers. He admitted he had not. I then asked if he would be comfortable letting his own children go to J & J for help. Would he feel they would be safe? Three times I asked before he finally answered. No, he said, he would not feel his children would be safe with them. I asked him why I shouldn’t warn others if he would be concerned that his children — J & J’s nieces and/or nephews — would be unsafe. I did not get a satisfactory answer.

There are many things I took into account before going public. I reached out to professionals to look at evidence — some of which was unrelated to the victim here — and the consensus across the board was that they are not safe for victims.

Furthermore, I have evidence from other individuals that corroborate some of these allegations. Since releasing the blog, yet more individuals have come forward to disclose the harm done. So, while I can prove only the allegations for which I have evidence, I am confident that the harm is legitimate.

I would also ask why the church gets condemnation for using this same argument (that many have never experience abuse), and yet it is acceptable to ask in defence of advocates?

I hope your question is answered thoroughly. If you have more questions, feel free to email again.

As always…

Love,

~ T ~