sexual abuse

They pray and prey: A story of child rape and assault, at the hands of Luke Martin (Lancaster, PA)

Splsh4Ripls6 Comments

His smile sickened me. Disgusted me.

He attempted to reassure me. “I know the Lord and my life is changed.”

****

BACKGROUND TO SHARING THIS STORY

A friend asked if we could share the following story on my blog. The woman in the story felt compelled to speak out about her horrific experiences with Luke H Martin, of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, (EDIT: born in 1955 to Jonas M and Elizabeth Martin) recently after he approached his victim at an event. He showed no concern for her wellbeing, nor awareness of her lack of safety near him. Many years earlier, when confronted, he acknowledged his abuse of her, but failed to acknowledge the harm done to his victim(s). This confrontation took place after she was an adult.

This story begins with chaos and family dysfunction. There were many adults in this home. Yet, none seemed to notice when a little girl began experiencing the horror that her next 3 years would become. At the dinner table during prayer, in the barn before chores, after chores, and even during chores. In her bed at night, the bed she shared with her sister. 

From age 8 to 11, this little girl experienced hell at the hands of a hired man who was old enough to know better. He simply did not care about anyone or anything, but himself and his vile desires.

****

A WORD OF INTRODUCTION FROM THE AUTHOR

I never thought I would have the opportunity to share my story, my experience, and the nightmare this man inflicted on me. It was after our last ‘accidental’ meeting that I resolved, after some thought, that it was time to share my story publicly. I tell my story so others will know what he is capable of. So others harmed by him will know they are not alone in being abused and deeply hurt by this man. In hopes that others will feel less alone and find the courage to tell their stories. Especially other victims of the man who abused me.

****

A HORROR FROM DAYS GONE BY

Luke Martin was 19 or 20 when he was hired to help on our farm. We shared a house with my grandparents, and two young women between 20 and 30 years old, as I recall. In total, with Luke, there were 7 adults in my home. Not one ever noticed what was happening under their roof, at their dinner table, in their barn. Being the oldest child, I was often tasked with helping Luke with his various duties. It was not unusual to be in the stripping room, stripping tobacco, just me and him. 

Daily life, after Luke entered our home, changed dramatically as he took every opportunity to molest me. Our home wasn’t perfect, but my parents loved me, and they loved each other. With them, I was safe. Luke robbed me of safety in my home. He disrupted my development. He stole my confidence. 

The worst was time spent alone in the barn with him. Luke created a fort in the haymow, as children do, which kept others from seeing what was happening behind those hay bales. He created this sick ritual where he acknowledged that what he was going to do to me was wrong in God’s eyes, because I was an innocent child. He justified his crimes by telling me I must ask him to do whatever evil thing he desired that day. He would then respond with, “Let’s pray.” This was followed by a short time of silence during which time he expected me to pray and ask God to forgive him for the sins he was about to commit. Since I was an innocent child, God would surely hear my prayer. 

After prayer, there in the haymow, he not only raped and molested me, but he also had a dog do it to me as well. He also forced me to watch him commit these acts on our female dog. In the barn, it was just him and me, while all the other adults were doing other things, which gave him opportunity to repeat these horrific assaults whenever he pleased. 

A year after the abuse started, I got my first period. Despite not having an education about periods and pregnancy, I would spend time looking in the mirror, fearing that I was potentially pregnant. Each month I was relieved when my period came. The anxiety and worry about giving birth to a half-human, half-dog being was all-consuming. How would I explain that at 9 years old? What would people think? 

Luke took pleasure in taking me to watch animals have sex. “This is how people do it!” he assured me. He would take me to watch pigs, dogs, cats, and whatever animal he came upon mating. “This is how your parents do it,” he told me time after time. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed at seeing animals do this and being told my parents did these same acts. 

The fear and the shame built up and I acted out at school. I cheated. I lied. I was disruptive and thought of myself as being the class clown. At home, I was angry and disrespectful. I was very frustrated that no one seemed to notice or care about the pain I suffered, the humiliation I endured, and the shame I constantly felt alongside the crippling fear. 

I first attempted to die by suicide at age 9. I took a handful of Aspirin and went to bed, desperately hoping to not wake up the next morning. I awoke the next morning, stretched my arms and moved my fingers, and realized that I was still alive. I was disappointed to have to face not just that day but all the feelings that went alongside being a victim of Luke’s abuse. I tried two more times to end my life, each time taking even more aspirin. And each time I felt the same disappointment. 

Luke also had a temper. On his final day at our home, he became enraged because Dad hadn’t gotten a chance to buy him the muffler for the tractor that Luke wanted, so he packed his bags and walked off. Watching Luke walk away brought me a sense of peace. I can easily define that moment as being the best feeling that Luke had ever evoked in me. I can still see his buggy drive down the road. With each clip-clop, knowing he was farther and farther away, I was finally safe from his vile and calculated abuse. 

I was finally safe from his sexualizing everything from me to the animals. That day changed my life for the better. 

****

A RECENT ENCOUNTER

The night I bumped into Luke, some months ago – and he smiled ‘that’ smile – was another game changer. He seemed aware of my life and all that had happened in the last 37 years, as though he had been stalking me all those years, dating back to when he was approached by his bishop regarding abusing me. 

Luke smiled at me and said, “I cried many a’night when I found out how your life turned out.” His demeanor can only be described as “giddy.” His actions and words far from appropriate. Imagine spending three years of your adult life making a young child suffer for sexual gratification, and then having the audacity to approach her decades later and tell her how changed you are. 

As I share my story, I look back and realize how many other times he inserted himself in my life since I am an adult. There was one time, in particular, I thought I saw him at an event that I attended. I just couldn’t be sure that it was him. But then I smelled him. His distinct body odor confirmed for me that it was him; he smelled just as he did when he abused me. The trigger of his scent alone caused me to spend many ensuing nights reliving childhood trauma through nightmares and flashbacks. Details and events that I have never before shared publicly. 

When he stood before me, smiling and giddy, a few months ago, I asked him the following question: “Do you realize what you took from me, from other young girls, and [specific identity redacted]?” 

Luke’s smile never changed. If anything, the twinkle in his eye seemed to shine brighter. He did not deny what I said. I was confident I was not the only victim of his depravity, though I did not know if he had ever acknowledged other victims. The skill with which he manipulated our home from the start, to harm me as he did, indicated he was already an experienced and highly skilled abuser. 

Luke repeated that the Lord had changed him and he was not the same man. He leaned close to me, seeming not to recognize how significant his actions were, and his response to my question. He seemed to have no perception of what he had truly done. We were not talking about something trivial. And, yet, his body language suggested that this was a conversation about him; something that seemed to boost his ego.

Standing there close to me, a victim of his horrific sexual violence, he insisted over and over how the Lord had changed him. He was unphased. Unphased by me boldly asking him if he knew the significance of what he had done. Unphased by the people walking around. Oblivious to the witnesses his body language was drawing. He did not grasp the pain he had caused me, other victims, and his wife and family by his actions. 

I reminded him during our conversation, “This isn’t about you.” 

After he walked away, another lady asked me if I was okay. I wasn’t. I admitted that and explained who he was and what he had done. She looked around. Families with children were nearby, and all around. Young people were walking in groups, some were alone. She was especially concerned about the vulnerability of young girls walking around without adults. 

She looked at me, “How is it, that a man like that, can be here in a place where there are other young children?” Her eyes were kind toward me, and yet at that moment, she realized that in a place where there are many Mennonite and Amish families, a predator was free to roam about. Her feelings of safety and security were suddenly destroyed, knowing that Luke was there and so bold in his approach and actions toward me. 

She told me that she had observed our interaction. I asked if it was because I had seemed angry. She shook her head no. “It was him. He just was acting odd.” 

After this event I reached out to a friend and asked if they know of any avenues to sharing my story. They told me of this blog, and reached out on my behalf. 

The night I bumped into Luke, a few months ago, my boldness overshadowed my fear and my nerves. I finally confronted him. There wasn’t a shadow of a doubt or a nudge of fear on his face; it was then I decided I want to share my story publicly. I want others to know who he is and what he has done, to ensure he never does this again. The Lord is capable of big things, including changing him, if he becomes truly repentant. Even so, those who have been victimized and harmed by him, should be acknowledged and given opportunity to heal, without him approaching them and terrorizing them through nightmares and flashbacks.

Over 30 years ago, Luke acknowledged his sex crimes when the bishop confronted him for what he had done to me as a child. To our church’s credit, he was excommunicated. Immediately, he began attending a church back in his hometown, near our family. 

I have seen Luke several times in the last number of years, where he had ample opportunity to acknowledge the sexual assault and harm. But he never had the courage to own his sins with me, his victim. Yet, somehow, he had the nerve to repeatedly tell me that he was a changed man. It was, once again, all about him and what he wanted or needed. It was, again, about him trying to take power over me. 

My life and the things that I have overcome and accomplished are not because of him. They are because of God’s goodness; He has given me the strength to overcome much trauma. I know that my story isn’t typical. When my family stopped farming and my father chose another occupation, it was a wonderful time for our family. There was no more anxiety about who the next hired man might be. No more fear of what he may try to do in the night, or even at the dinner table. Never again did I worry about being in a haymow, and I never did have to go back into a barn or a stripping room. 

****

I never thought I would have the opportunity to share my story publicly for others who need to know that Luke Martin is a sexual predator who harms little children. I write this story because I want other victims to know, “You are not alone.” I want them to know they are supported if they choose to come forward and report him.  

~ One little girl… now grown up and healed enough to speak ~

****

We tell the hard stories because they speak truth. We tell the hard stories to give others courage to speak. We tell them for the sake of accountability for the offender, and for the sake of justice and mercy. There is no greater mercy than to value the life of a child enough to create awareness. Above all, we tell them because to speak is part of the healing process, and it is critical for protecting children and the vulnerable.

Therefore, we will continue to speak. Continue to invite God into the chaos, the trauma and the horror of sins and crimes committed in His name, against His little ones.

As always…
Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2022

Christian Light Publications removes Howard Bean Writings

Splsh4Ripls

A friend forwarded a statement that was sent out by Christian Light Publications, announcing that they are removing Howard Bean’s materials, as listed in the following image:

I appreciate the individuals who took time to reach out, willing to hear and confirm the facts with those involved in the case. Thank you.

This is the path to positive change.

To the victims of Mr. Bean, and other victims in the Anabaptist community who were left reeling: You have been courageous to share your story. Even those so traumatized that you could only speak to a select few of us who have walked with you. I trust CLP’s actions will serve as an acknowledgement of your suffering and bring some sense of relief to you, and to all who were struggling with his content being used in their churches.

To Mr. Bean’s wife and family: My heart aches for you. It is beyond imagining how crushing it would be to learn that a trusted family member — in particular a spouse or parent — has carried these hidden sins, when to the family they were kind and loving. This is betrayal. Your suffering deserves acknowledgement.

To the Grace Mennonite and the Mid-West church: Some of you have apologized for mistakes made, and I have passed those apologies on to the victim with whom I am most closely connected. To get it wrong on various fronts the first time you face this kind of thing is understandable, albeit painful for victims. It is forgivable. (The victim with whom I spoke graciously extended forgiveness). And it is an opportunity for you to learn so that you are equipped to handle the next case more effectively. To get it seriously wrong a second time would be inexcusable. I urge you to not only form internal committees to address concerns, but to hire at least one trained professional investigator, along with a minimum of two other individuals to support that investgator on an external investigative committee. There were some well-intentioned mistakes made this round that would have been avoided had such professionals handled the case. I have served on such a committee with a criminal investigator taking lead, and a pastor and myself as volunteer investigators. It brought balance. I would declare a conflict of interest in local Mid-West cases for such a formal committee , because of how despised I am by some Mid-West leaders, thus making my voice ill-received. Even so, I can testify that it is healthy to bring in such a team. We each brought something to the task that the others lacked, leaving much less room for oversight.

For today, I will celebrate this step in the right direction. May it be the beginning of many more steps to hearing the victimized, and holding abusers accountable.

As always,
Love,
~ T ~

©Trudy Metzger 2023

Bishop Howard Bean, Grace Mennonite Church, charged with sexual assault after 40+ years of predatory behaviour

Splsh4Ripls8 Comments

I started the following blog around a year ago, and I am sharing with the permission of the first known victim.

It has been very difficult to write, for many reasons. Mostly, I have written almost nothing since the car crash of 2019. It takes too much out of me, physically, with post-concussion syndrome, shoulder tears and recently diagnosed severe issues in my neck (that finally explained at least some of the severe symptoms I deal with). Yesterday I received many messages asking about Howard Bean. Someone had commented publicly, and former students of Mr. Bean were shocked to learn he had sexually harmed students. Rather than continue to answer privately, I decided it is time to edit this blog and post it. I am heading into a four month stretch that is unbelievably busy. I will respond to emails as I am able, answering questions.

LINK: Howard Bean, disgraced bishop of Grace Mennonite Church, has been credibly accused and charged with sexual assault.

Photos credit of The Map List & Mennonite Archived

Grace Mennonite is a church I recommended in the past when Conservative Anabaptists reached out asking if I know of any safe Mennonite church in Ontario. With a disclaimer that I didnt’ know them well, but they had a strong and clearly defined child abuse policy, I would suggest Grace. (I had a copy of their police at one time, but cannot locate it). I had confidence that abuse allegations would be swiftly dealt with, and victims supported.

I didn’t account for allegations of sexual impropriety coming against the bishop, Howard Bean, who is also a licensed school teacher with access to many children over the years. Some involved I believe have wanted truth. Others have a vested interest in making this go away, and have enabled Mr. Bean as a predator. (Anyone who preys — especially repeatedly — on the innocence of children and youth is a predator).

When I first became aware of concerns, it was a third party report with no evidence or even an incident or alleged victim; only a sense that something was ‘off’. The individual had close interaction with Mr. Bean for several years and didn’t feel safe. There was nothing to report. Nothing to expose. Only a thought to file, and not disregard. But nothing actionable.

In the span of several years of supporting survivors — who, by the way, have an uncanny sense about who is safe and who is not — three mentioned something not feeling safe with Mr. Bean. By 2018, a witness came forward with something they had observed Mr. Bean do, as a teacher, that felt violating. It was not done against them; they had witnessed it.

That witness did not want to be named, but asked if I would look into it. I processed it, and wanted to do something, but I had no concrete evidence; no victim asking me to act. I felt concern and like my hands were tied, all at once.

So I sat in the quiet, knowing there was a strong likelihood of abuse, but having nothing solid allowing me to move forward. Waiting, and pondering, I gathered Mr. Bean’s information just in case it seemed right to meet him, but I never spoke with him.

The challenges when allegations are vague or third party, are many. First, do victims want it addressed? Second, if addressed with nothing concrete, does it work against the case when evidence comes forward? Will people say, “Trudy planted the idea with her vague/unfounded concerns?” So I waited.

And then I had the heart attack in March, 2019, followed in August by being rear-ended at over 120 km p/h, resulting in severe whiplash (for which I am still in therapy). Needless to say, all else fell by the wayside.

The allegations and concerns have since been proven valid, though not the half has been told. The key — and first known victim — was never contacted by the church-recruited investigator. That victim suffered more than anything that has been disclosed so far. It was startling to discover that I had known about it since I was 16…

Only as the details unfolded did the memory resurface. A friend shared some of the ‘story’, processing what was going on. She had been closely connected with the first known victim. As she spoke, the shock hit that, “I know this story!” I said as much to my friend. “I know this story…. but I don’t know why!” And then it came back…

I was 16. A troubled and hurting teenager, living in New Hamburg Ontario. Not one established friend. And then I met two sisters. I have no memory of where or how we met. But I found myself at the older sister’s home, sitting on the floor in front of her, while she sat and nursed her newborn. I learned about giving birth and the afterpains. And I learned her life had been brutally hard.

She shared how a school teacher had sexually abused her for years. He did things to her. He made her do things. Awful and confusing things that scarred and confused her deeply.

As the Howard Bean allegations unfolded, so did the realization that he had worked at the very school where that friend attended, it all came back…. I was, again, 16 years old, sitting with a new mom caring for her infant….

I felt sick. I felt betrayed by a man I didn’t really know. Betrayed. Over. And over. And over. Again.

And I felt like I was a traitor for sitting in silence.

How can they do this? How can they name the name of God, preach, teach on morality, build a name for themselves in Christian community….

How can I sit in silence? And, yet, I have. Mostly because of my accident injuries. I pay a price for sitting at my desk. I pay a price for typing.

I learned on FB yesterday, January 17, 2023, that Christian Light Publications (CLP) still promotes Mr. Bean’s writings, and keeps Pete Peters on staff, while removing books of an author who dared to write questions she has about the afterlife. A facebook conversation where Mr. Bean was mentioned, sparked a flood of messages asking what the deal is. I responded to those messages, and decided to write a blog.

Mr. Bean has been credibly accused and charged with sexual assault. The first known victim is well over 40 years ago, with a string scattered through the years that followed. The extent of the abuse varies among the victims. Numerous students have reported observing the indecent behaviour over the years.

Mr. Bean admitted only to what was brought forward, and each time as more was brought, he acted repentant. He has made excuses. He claimed he did not know that touching a girl’s buttocks was sexual.

That raises many questions.

What is such an ill-informed man doing in classrooms? What is he doing behind the pulpit? How can one so naive and uninformed write books guiding churches, and preach purity to youth? Is he truly this unaware? Or is he simply a skilled manipulator? A liar? Is it such a long leap from sexual assault to lying? I would say they often, if not always go hand in hand, the blatant lying and sexual abuse. Certainly, they are already liars and hypocrites in how they live. Skilled abusers/predators are also highly skilled manipulative liars who know how to groom their church.

It took me two years to find the first known victim. But I found her. I asked if she remembers when we met and I sat on the floor as she nursed her baby, and she told me her story. She did. I asked if she would tell her story again. It matched. And there was more. Not only did Mr. Bean seriously violate this woman’s sexuality, starting before she was even 10 years old, and into her teens, he also violated her by speaking disrespectfully of his wife’s body to her, and commenting on the victims’ clothes and body, among other things. He violated her trust sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. The level of harm done has never been addressed, to this day. Not even close.

I had been told that a woman at Grace Mennonite, who was connected with that first known victim, told key people that the victim did not want to be contacted. When I asked if she would be willing to speak to the committee, she said she would. So this claim also was not true. The victim was very willing to speak *on her terms*, so she would be safe. That is not the same as unwilling. (I do not put blame for this on the committee formed to investigate Mr. Bean’s crimes. It is the responsibility of the person spreading the lies).

For anyone questioning if we can believe the victim(s), Howard Bean admitted to positioning his hands, as the teacher of that first known victim, so her breasts would touch them. He admitted to sexual assault. But that’s the watered down version. He did much more than this, including serious emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse, and more sexual abuse than he has admitted to.

Mr. Bean is a master at words. He is an author with high standing for good reason. He is skilled. And he is skilled when it comes to responding to questions. When more recent allegations were addressed at a church meeting, he was questioned regarding other allegations, and stated, “No.” When challenged later that this was not true, he responded with an explanation that he understood the question differently than intended.

These are classic highly skilled predator behaviours. When I sat with Dave Denlinger in 2018, I asked, “Did you sexually assault (name withheld) in your car?” He looked me in the eye and said he did not. I was baffled. Having sat with the victim, I was confident she was telling the truth. And then it struck me… He had given her his car.

“Did you do ‘x’ to (name withheld) in her car?” His answer, “Yes, I did.”

Lying on a technicality. That is the art of a highly skilled religious predator. (I find they often have a conscience about blatant lying, oddly, given they seem to have no conscience about sexual assault).

Repentant offenders do not protect themselves. They accept consequences. They do not lie, manipulate and deceive. They own their wrongs fully. Not only what is brought forward, and do so before others have to come forward. They set victims free. No lies. No manipulations. No trying to control the narrative. (Interesting fact, Mr. Bean still had power to place a minister as lead in his stead *after* allegations came forward. How does that happen in any Christian environment, that a credibly-accused holds that power?)

I will leave Mr. Bean’s repentance between him and God. What I know with confidence is that he has not yet disclosed fully his crimes. I am confident that if his first known and credible victim came forward with abuse charges — and the students who witnessed things stood with that victim — Mr. Bean would face more charges than he currently has on record.

That victim lives in terror of Mr. Bean and is not ready to face the horror that goes with reporting. I support her 100%. Her well-being is of utmost importance. And, Mr. Bean standing before a judge in this life holds no power compared to standing before God in eternity. While the victim is not ready to go public, she willing to speak one-on-one with safe individuals.

(For those saying Mr. Bean repented. No. Controlling the narrative does not equal repentance. He told his version of the situation to a church leader 40+ years ago *after* there was threat of exposure. He rushed to ‘take care’ of things, going to the victim’s family with a skewed version, which resulted in extreme further harm to the victim. But that is not a part of the story she is ready to tell because of what it would cost her today).

The victim’s justice, and validation of her suffering, will come. Not from (most in) church. Not from those calling her a liar. Not from those (shame on them) calling her mentally unstable.

No, her justice will come on judgement day. Her validation will come from the heart of Jesus; her healing in His arms and with friends and those who support her.

In this life, she carries incredible scars that are painful to hear. and see. In spite of the scars, she is always kind. Always gentle. Always thoughtful. Never — although it would be justified — has she expressed anger or been vindictive. Going to the law would be justified. But that is not what she needs right now. So I stand with her, and bless her.

I pray that Mr. Bean will be truly broken in this life. That he will own all his lies-on-technicality to the harm of the victims and church community, and his manipulations as well as all the abuse. All of it. For the sake of his soul, and for the healing of those harmed. But that is between him and God.

***

The concerns regarding Mr. Bean began as discomfort. Nothing concrete could be found. Many (or most) times, victims are reticent to speak out for fear of suffering further harm or alienation, particularly students. It is highly likely that if those who were concerned had spoken out, they would have been subjected to consequences.

Fellow teachers would, in likelihood lose their jobs for speaking out, or be accused of being divisive and harming school culture. (In church, I’ve seen excommunication as the outcome). Students would be left to face the teacher they don’t trust; his position would likely be protected. Parents would be ostracized. It is not a small price to pay for sharing concerns.

Yet, years later it is clear that Mr. Bean is a predator. He leaned over desks in ways that were uncomfortable. He stood in the path of one of his victims, forcing her to contend with his presence. He reached his arms around one student, making her feel violated. Let me add, she was violated.

Yet, repeatedly, these concerns are downplayed as churches scramble to cover up and protect their image, and the abuser.

It’s time to learn from history, and protect those who are most vulnerable.