Filling freezers, Statistics, Glass Houses and ‘Why do we want to believe in miracles?’

Forty hours ago I logged out of Facebook and asked Tim to reset my password. He did. And I don’t have it. So I can only go on when he signs me in. I then went to WordPress and relinked my blog to my FB account so that I can post blogs automatically. While I do not spend a lot of time on FB, most days, it is easy to get caught up in the opinions and debates of current events. Some of that is good. Some of it is not. All of it is time consuming. And the fallout of various aspects is more than I have energy for in the middle of finishing up my PhD coursework.

Since posting it I have managed to squeeze an 836 pound beef in our freezer, canned 14 jars of stewing beef, and completed my final quiz for my Statistics course. (This beef will be shared, not hoarded. In fact, about 20 pounds already left the house this morning. And, for the record, it was ordered prior to this ‘craziness’ going on).  Now I’m working on my final paper for Stats course, and am about to start my final course, a reading course and research project to be completed between now and August. And then comprehensive exams. They will be the ‘make it or break it’ of my degree. The aftermath of medication last year, combined with a concussion after being rear-ended at 100km/h (65 m/hr) have made memory work a challenge. Exams require strong memory capabilities, or the determination to get everything into longterm. For stats, I overcame this by rewatching class lectures between 2 and four times, and rewriting notes 3 to five times. It has been extremely time consuming!

As I was doing all of these things, I’ve been contemplating why we humans reach for miracles. More specifically, why do I? I’ll admit, apart from taking Bible stories at face value, I’ve not seen many miracles and used to be a skeptic. And then one day a friend who knew I was having a lot of issues with my one knee ‘giving out’, and accompanying pain, called me up and invited me to church. We’re having a healing service, she said, and I think you should be there. I agreed, because she is my friend.

Nothing wonky happened. But I did muster the courage to ask for prayer, and a group of strangers gathered round me, and prayed. The problem left and never came back. That was about 14 years ago.

I am one of those who gets to have a colonoscopy ever 5 years. It started first in my 20’s, when I had significant rectal bleeding with no explanation. After the colonoscopy showed nothing, the specialist chalked it up to stress. That made sense. I was just starting to acknowledge and work through the trauma of my childhood. Nothing more was done.

In my 30’s, they started with the scopes every 5 years. Just keeping an eye on things after weeks of the same issues. At one point, I believe it was two weeks into another round of bleeding, we had a worship night. I had my eyes closed, hands raised, and when I opened my eyes i was surprised (and deeply moved) to be surrounded by a handful of individuals, including one of our elders, praying over me. A woman, who had no idea what was going on with my health, was among them. She placed her hand on my abdomen and began to pray. As she did so, I just knew the bleeding had stopped. That was around ten years ago. The bleeding has never happened again.

Were these miracle healings? Frankly, I don’t care what they were. I’m thankful for the outcome. Even so, I like to keep one foot firmly planted in the practical and scientific realities of this present world, while keeping the other firmly planted in the mystery of God and the spiritual realities that we cannot fully grasp. It keeps my faith in balance and rooted in the eternal, not the temporal. It helps me live in a place of trusting God, in the unknown.

And maybe seeing a loved one fighting a fierce battle with cancer right now, forces me to grapple with the absence of such mysteries as miracles. I have prayed. I have wept. I have tried to hold onto a fragment of faith in the miraculous, when the practical screams it is a lie. When the fight against cancer is a quiet,  persistent evidence of the absence of miracles. And when faith in God’s goodness boils down to knowing, “Even now. Even here. Even in this, He is good.” And to somehow reconcile myself with that certainty, when there is no evidence that good can or will be done in a given circumstance.

Maybe, hearing another’s ‘miracle’ offers us some borrowed hope in a place or circumstance destitute of such hope. It is a reminder that God is sovereign and He is goodness. It is the very essence of His nature. And where no miracle is granted to the naked eye, a greater miracle, reserved for the spirit to see, is born.

With the passing of time, my world has become more and more that of ‘living in a glass house’, thanks to my work and how public it is. I am ok with that, for the most part, as I have nothing to hide. I am human. When I fail, I will apologize. I aim for due diligence, and throwing in disclaimers in my writings, and apologize if I have erred. It’s who I am.

However, the standard of perfection that is required to function within Christian context is one to which I cannot live up. I never have. I never will.  It has been months of ‘off and on’ discussions with Tim, wondering how long I can do what I do, within the context and ‘audience’ of my work; conservative Anabaptists and ex-conservative Anabaptists. I’ve lived simultaneously the past four years in another (secular) world (university) that is, ironically, far more grace-filled. It is strange to say that out loud, but it is true. This contradiction has been challenging to process. It is in university I was trained to be culturally sensitive and separate the horror of sexual abuse I encounter from the Anabaptist culture in which it takes place. It is in university I was trained on Restorative Justice practices (that strangely echo the teachings of Jesus). It is in university I was taught to separate the crime from the criminal and remove crime labels from their identity. It is in university I learned to extend grace to myself, when profs would say, repeatedly, “Trudy,  you don’t have to be perfect”, and “It’s ok to make a mistake.” Most of my profs have said that, and several have gone above and beyond, entering into my world, my life, my story in ways that few people ever have. I never looked for it, and didn’t even realize how much that can do for a person, other than seeing what it did for others when I entered in. One prof (not a believer) in particular, sat with me for more hours than I can keep track of, and would say, “Someone has His hand on you.” I understand why people are drawn away from religion.

I could now do a list of things that do not align with Christian values, but I won’t, because I have no expectation that a secular entity will uphold my Christian values. Instead, I will thank God that He reveals His kind heart through those who do not believe. I will thank Him that He has protected my faith in Him, in spite of … in spite of so many things, even while He is eerily silent in the space of other prayers that are wanting in answers.

Today, while miracles are glaringly absent in the wilderness of many of my prayers, I will grieve those disappointments while holding on to this one thing: God is a God of miracles. Even if the only miracle is that I (or you) can somehow hold on to Him and embrace hope in spaces and experiences that, humanly speaking, should drive us to cynicism, atheism and rejecting God.

Maybe, at the end of the day, that is the greatest miracle. To live daily finding joy and hope in God. That my heart has not grown cynical, in spite of daily reminders that incredible evil lurks ‘among God’s people’ (along with goodness). To separate that evil from God and see Him is good and kind, and to separate that evil from the ‘personhood’ of the evildoer and still see him/her as holding value and being worthy of kind treatment (albeit good ad firm too). These are miracles of another sort.

I will trust Him as I process things what seem upside down in my world. Harsh judgement from the religious, Christ-like kindness from unbelieving professors and peers, sexual abuse blithely brushed off in religious community where children should be safe, and much more.

Because the thing about miracles is that they don’t make sense. They are the unexpected outcomes. So I will continue to believe that my God is a miracle working God.

As for Facebook… for now I will likely pop in from time to time. I care deeply about my friends. Hundred and hundreds of the 5000 are familiar to me. Many have engaged privately, so that you come to mind even in my day-to-day-not-on-Facebook work and world. You are not just ‘one of many’.  Your wellbeing, each one of you, matters to me. That does not change with my absence from Facebook. Maybe I’ll be back one day. Maybe sooner, maybe later. Or maybe I will find the world of real interactions is much more life-giving without it, even in a world suspended in time, with no gatherings. Either way, I am taking this time to be thoughtful, to live with grace, and to continue to seek the heart of God, and let Him seek mine. The processing of experience is my responsibility. The outcome of things that come into my life, good or bad, invited or not, is my responsibility.

And I choose redemption and grace.

As always…

Much love,
Trudy

 

© Trudy Metzger 2020

Is there grace for Harold Herr? His wife’s real cause of death… Why was he *really* let go from Life Literature? And a correction…

I’m sure the truth will come out,
if indeed that’s what we’re all interested in.

Matlock

*****

A correction/update to my previous blog:
Multiple people contacted me prior to posting my previous blog to ask if I heard Mose Stoltzfus and Darwin Hostetler, along with Harold Herr, met to discuss ‘what to do with Trudy’. That information came from someone closely linked to at least one of the men alleged to have been at the meeting. The individuals who contacted me each named Mose Stoltzfus, Darwin Hostetler and Harold Herr as being in attendance.

Since releasing the blog even more individuals have contacted me to say my sources had it wrong.

Allegedly, the meeting was not about what to do with Trudy. It is true that my name was brought up in relation to posting publicly the allegations. (It would be hard to have a meeting about this without talking about me, but the spirit in which this was done was not as understood and relayed to me).  It is not hard to understand how someone close to these leaders would have misunderstood that the point of the meeting was to discuss me and the problem I am. Just what created that misunderstanding, God only knows.

My interaction with the one gentleman who attended the meeting has been respectful and thoughtful, and I am taking at face value that the meeting was not to discuss ‘what to do about Trudy’. Furthermore, one of my trusted friends has spoken to the honour and integrity of the original source; therefore I do not believe that I was intentionally misinformed as a trap.  And I do not believe there was ill-will towards me by the source, or towards the people at the meeting. It was a sincere misunderstanding of facts brought to me.

The list of individuals said to be present at the meeting, were indeed present, but the list was incomplete. Present were: Steve Simmons, Darwin Hostetler, Mose Stoltzfus, Harold Herr, Nathan Zeiset, and Allen Hoover.

Having confirmed the details, and being confident that there was error in what was reported to me, I apologize for sharing the misrepresentation/misunderstanding of motive and intent of the meeting as shared with me. It is not my intention to ever misrepresent facts. I try my best to confirm what I hear. (Had I known Allen Hoover was present, with whom I have communicated  numerous times about various situations, I would have been inclined to contact him to ask questions).

*****

IS HAROLD HERR GUILTY OR INNOCENT & A THIRD PARTY INVESTIGATION:
I continue to maintain that I cannot declare guilt or innocence other than that to which Harold has admitted. (Nor can others. I hold more evidence than most of them). But, I can say with absolute confidence that the allegations are credible. (Credible does not mean true and confirmed. It means plausible and worthy of deep investigation and acknowledgement).

It is concerning that there has NOT been an independent third party investigation. It would be deeply concerning if a determination of either innocence or guilt was made by a committee made up of untrained ‘friends of the accused’, or even acquaintances. And lack of training and experience in investigating sex offence allegations makes the entire process traumatic for victims and family members. Particularly given the history of silence in our culture, and in their case in particular. Harold’s children are now being asked to trust an investigation to the very culture that has disregarded them for around 40 years, and some have even called them liars.

For truth and justice to take place, all cultural and friendship ties must be absent among those conducting investigations. Anyone who thinks they can speak to the ‘good character’ of the person in question, or the leaders who ignored the allegations for any reason at all — including the  assumption of mental illness in the mother, *from whom the allegations did not originate* — is not the right choice. For the sake of alleged victims and family members supporting them, this independent third party investigation team is important, as is extensive trauma sensitivity training. (*Daniel wrote the letter addressing the allegations in 1990. In our private interactions he disclosed that this was the initial disclosure even to his mother, to the best of his memory. See comments by his sister under previous blog for more insight. She is referencing the same private conversation that I reference here).

One alleged victim and one family member have requested such an independent third party investigation by trained professionals as a condition for meeting. [See copy of their request/response in following section).  They are not opposed to speaking of their traumatic history, and being interviewed, but they are not willing to meet with a committee of friends of Harold, or friends of the leaders who have looked the other way for years. Bias is inevitable simply because friends are, by nature, biased no matter how much they want truth. Therefore they  cannot possibly make a just determination, or make victims feel equally heard and cared for. Victims will inevitably feel cautious and on guard, as well they should. I would too.

Friends are the most likely to be manipulated and deceived by abusers. Abusers count on that.

And, now that another of Harold’s alleged victims wrote publicly this past week (also in comments under previous blog) this independent third party investigation, by a team made up of people with trauma sensitivity training and no ties to Harold whatsoever or the leaders who ignored allegations, is even more important.

Allen Hoover, Darwin Hostetler and Steve Simmons met with at least two of Harold Herr’s children. (If more were interviewed, I am not privy to that). There is overlap between this committee and those involved in the Jeriah Mast case. Whether that is good or bad, I offer no opinion, but I can say it does not feel healthy or safe to those [allegedly] victimized by Harold.

Following the one  meeting the committee reached out to Daniel Herr, who declined meeting with them as they are a committee of men untrained in sensitive investigations. His request was that they have an independent third party investigation done, by individuals not connected to Harold Herr. The following is a copy of what Daniel’s sister sent to the committee (Steve Simmons, specifically) on his behalf. Daniel later followed that up with personally contacted them to validate the message from Freda.

Screen Shot 2020-02-09 at 12.12.53 AM

I do not think Daniel’s request is asking too much. Particularly given the history of neglecting to hear victims. Neglecting such a direct and reasonable request continues the disregard of victims’ needs, and shows neither compassion nor care. That is true even with the best of intentions by any committee. If it is not sensitive to victims’ needs and requests, it is uncaring. It’s that simple.

If the tables were turned and the victims were bringing in a committee of their own friends and acquaintances, it goes without saying that Harold Herr, his daughter who defends him, and church leaders would not be particularly excited to share transparently and allow such a group to make a determination of innocence or guilt. So  they should not ask this of victims.

*****

Why was Harold Herr really let go from Life Literature in September, and more on an internal investigating committee 

I would urge this committee to also look into why Harold Herr was really let go from Life Literature (LL). They say that it was not because of pressure from Haiti Benefit Auction (HBA), as I reported…. (Which I reported because I knew of the pressure by HBA *prior* to Harold being fired in September!) HBA put pressure on LL, and Harold was released shortly thereafter.

However, now Life Literature says it was not because of the pressure from HBA, but their own reasons. My question is, Did the pressure from HBA trigger an internal investigation that resulted in concerns significant enough to release HH? Or what internal findings were so significant to justify firing Harold Herr? This really needs to be looked into, if it is truth we’re are after. It’s particularly important because of his history of sexual perversion, the impact of which he has never been fully owned up.

I have also confirmed that Harold Herr remained on payroll until after my blog came out. These are indisputable facts.

Couple those facts with the real reason Harold Herr was let go — info that doesn’t seem particularly forthcoming and should be, under the circumstances of unresolved allegations — and we will have a clearer picture of this whole scenario.

*****

Harold Herr’s Wife’s real cause of death:
Further to speculation that Harold’s deceased (estranged) wife, Anna Mary, committed suicide….

After posting what I did in my previous blog, about there being no autopsy, numerous people contacted me. They are quite certain she did indeed commit suicide, they said, and informed me that even the family believes this to be true.

I am aware of the speculation. I am aware that some family members have shared their questions . I am also aware that for some family members seeing the public speculate such a thing when they had never suspected such a thing has been very traumatic. There is an injustice in that, against the family. It is human nature to wonder what happened when we don’t have answers, but for someone to propagate such a thing as fact, when medical evidence does not support it… Well, I’d come back to this: What would be their motive? What could anyone possibly gain from the public believing it as fact, when it has never been anything more than questions in search of answers for the unknown? 

Before I present evidence (with permission), let me say the following: 

It is an absolute tragedy that some leaders and public are focusing on how Anna Mary died, rather than acknowledging the following:

  1. Organizations (and churches) have a history of not taking allegations seriously, and excusing that neglect. (We saw this in the Jeriah Mast case. And we see it in the Harold Herr case.
  2. Radical sexual abuse and bestiality allegations against someone in ministry have not been properly investigated and certainly not dealt with.

Those two things are what should be the focus. They are the reason the family went public with these allegations at this time; to warn the public about their concerns regarding Harold Herr and the potential risk to children, and to call CAM and LIFE Literature to account for their neglect to take allegations seriously and sending someone overseas with outstanding allegation that are not investigated and remain unresolved. And to hold church leaders to the same account.

That Anna Mary Herr has become the focus is a shameful continuation of the same abuse that she suffered by those who neglected her in her living years. (I recognize some of you contacted me out of shock that these rumours are circulating, including people who knew her quite well to a time.  This is not directed at you. It is directed at those who use this as a deflection from the allegations of sexual abuse).

In response to the speculation, I can say with certainty that it is not reflected on her death certificate. I can also say with absolute certainty that no autopsy was done and the death certificate states that she died of “cerebrovascular accident”, also known as “stroke”. I have a copy of the death certificate in my possession and have personally confirmed this as her cause of death.

And a more close up with date and cause of death highlighted:

Shortly before her death, Anna Mary became very ill and was hospitalized for approximately one week. Sometime in that timeframe it she was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm. During her one-week hospital stay she improved and was released to go home. Within approximately a week  she passed away in her home, having suffered a cerebrovascular event, more commonly referred to as stroke.

What caused that stroke?

From what I am told by her children, no one is certain what caused it. Was it coincidental that after Anna Mary got ill and almost lost her life, she improved in the hospital, but became ill again at home? If she showed signs of suicidal tendencies, would medical staff not have documented this? And would they not have kept her in to ensure her safety? Was there some toxin in the home that she was sensitive to and no one knew existed? Stroke has been linked to asbestos, arsenic, and cyanide, to mention but a few environmental possibilities.

Speculations of this nature have come to me from numerous sources, yet none have anything whatsoever to do with the allegations of abuse. What judge or lawyer would write off abuse allegations because of the accused’s spouse’s cause of death?

Speculation surrounding Anna Mary’s death should be not be the focus. If the family wants answers, there are ways for them to find out, but that is their private concern. As far as the public, I do not see value in speculating that which cannot be proven about a deceased woman, when the real issue is that there are allegations that have been disregarded for 40 years.

The more I hear this kind of deflection, from the abuse allegations at hand to Anna Mary, the more my red flags go off. I agree with the request of some of the family to have  an unbiased third party investigation team pursue the case. There is truth to be found, but it will not be found by those closely connected to the family or culture. No matter how pure of heart, it is not right to put the victims and family through that.

For anyone thinking I am also not the right person, I agree. I am biased. Definitely biased. I’ve seen the evidence, heard the testimony, and seen the deflection and neglect. I am very much the wrong person to investigate. But I am the right person to push for a bit of accountability. And what makes me the right person is that some family members asked for my help. That’s good enough for me. But if they asked me to deeply investigate it, I would decline.

*****

For the first time since interviewing Harold Herr in summer of 2019, and asking about the allegations, I listened to that audio again last week. When I mentioned Detective Ortenzi, Harold acts surprised, and says, “You say there were charges against me back then?!” as though he knew nothing of it. I later learned that, not only did Harold know there were allegations back then, the detective actually met with him in person. (i have evidence in possession of Ortenzi’s involvement in the case).

Why did Harold act as though he had no knowledge of the allegations or that a law enforcement officer was on the case? Either he was trying to intentionally deceive me, in which case I ask, “Why are leaders trusting him if he is being deceptive?” Or, maybe he doesn’t remember? Though unlikely, if true, why do leaders take at face value anything he says? If he can’t remember a police officer confronting him about sexual abuse and bestiality, why should we assume he is remembering truth about the abuse? It is neither logical nor responsible.

So is there grace for Harold Herr? Yes… generous grace if he humbles himself completely, tells consistent truth, and repents for thing he has not yet acknowledged.

“By their fruit you will know them,” said a wise Man some 2000+ years ago. And, “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free!”

He was a truly wise Man. We could learn from Him in our handling of sexual abuse in religious communities.

 

As always…

Love,
~ T ~

*****

Trudy offers support conferences for survivors of abuse, and training to equip churches and the community in caring for victims and offenders, or if you would like to inquire about having a conference or training in your area, send an inquiry via Contact TrudyTo support Generations Unleashed, the charity Trudy works for, Donate Here.

SURVEY: Conservative Anabaptist (CA) Leaders’ Response to Abuse: If you are/were CA and have been sexually abused and interacted with a CA leader regarding the abuse, this survey is for you.

I am preparing several other surveys and will release them on our SURVEYS PAGE.

© Trudy Metzger

 

 

 

Bill Miller: A Bold Open Letter & Admonition from a (former) Beachy Amish Gentleman

The following blog post has three components, all written by Bill Miller. He has given me permission to share his email address for those who wish to reach out to him. I spoke with Bill’s son before I communicated with Bill. In the son I ‘met’ a man who cares deeply for the wounded children. (His son is also a ministry leader who forwarded their ministry’s protocol for handling abuse. I have never been more impressed!) He told me about his father, and some time later Bill reached out.

The first part is a letter of introduction, followed by admonition from James 5. And finally is a response to some concerns shared in response to CAM.

***

I am 67 years old and have been a member in the Beachy Amish Mennonite church from age 16 to age 63. I have observed the rules of the church faithfully. I have failed and have been restored. I have been loved and rejected. I have held offices and sat silently. I have watch this same thing in many other brethren in the church as well. And I believe this is quite normal for the church of Jesus Christ. We are, after-all, human and “we hold this treasure in earthen vessels.” I have been under numerous church administrations, what with moving, bishops dying or being silenced, or moving away and being replaced, and church outreaches.

But there is one issue that I have never been able to understand. This is the issue of elevating the ministry onto a pedestal and thereby they become untouchable by anyone. I have heard bishops say that “There is no other bishop that has any authority over me.” I have heard bishops say that “The laity has no right or responsibility to ever question or rebuke anyone in the ministry.” I have heard bishops say that there is an absolute hierarchy in the ministerial circles. “You do as we say and we will have your back. We will make sure that you are protected in the event that you would get into trouble. We will make sure that you will have all the speaking engagements and that your name will be recognized.”  We have seen numerous times where minister’s children get to keep their sins covered under the proverbial carpet and not under the “BLOOD”. All this in order to protect the minister’s name. In Matthew 20:20-28, Jesus clearly condemns this program as from the world, saying in verse 26, “But it shall not be so among you:” 

I personally know of numerous bishops that keep a written file of every member’s failures. I have seen some of these files. Who keeps a file of their own failures? What are they going to do with these files when they turn their office over to the next generation? Do they not know that one drop of blood took care of ALL these files? Do they then wonder what happened when the church house becomes empty? Do they not know that conflict of interest always leads to loss of trust and confidence? And last but not least, is no body learning from the history of the last 75 years?

I was taught that any group that leaves a fellowship, a conference, a constituency, and go out on their own, have lost their way. But in the last 30 years the number of unaffiliated churches has mushroomed. People are tired of the the old program where the highway is littered with the broken and bleeding, the neglected and hurting, those lost and dying, all from the heavy hand of power of the ministry and executive boards, who themselves are quite comfortable in their own wealth and prestige. 

Is it any wonder that we now have the arrogance and pride exuding from the pulpit and executive boards that are doing so much damage? The longer it goes the more the next generation of officials feel entitled to the same level of grandeur, and the more the name of our Lord and Savior is mocked. Wake up! There is coming a day of reckoning, a day of persecution, a day where the sons will turn their own fathers and mothers over to the authorities of the land. And we have brought it on ourselves. Proverbs 16:18 “Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

It is with these thoughts that I was led by the Holy Spirit to write a message on James 5:1-6. Then I wrote a remedy for the sad situation from James 5:7-12.

Written with Love and a concerned heart.

 

Bill Miller
miller5254@gmail.com
****

James 5:1-6

Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries shall come upon you.

Wake up, you wealthy, powerful, influential, well known, ministers, charity organization leaders, and big, powerful business men, you better start weeping and howling, because your miseries are coming your way. There shall be no escaping the consequences.

Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten.

You riches are filthy and rotten. They are no longer of any value. They will not buy your way to more power and influence. The game is over. Your riches are worthless in your pursuit of power. Your clothes are rotten and full of holes. Your arrogant deceit has eaten your façade as surely as moths eat old garments. People can see your nakedness through the holes in your self-righteous garments. Your plain clothes are a fraud and the people around you are ashamed to be in your presence. You would be better off dressing like the world than to look like some do-gooder Pharisee who hates when the light of truth shines into their dark, corrupt hearts. Your cover is gone and your riches and power are nothing but disgustingly filthy rags.

Your gold and silver is cankered; and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days.

Your riches, your fame and power, your influential positions, and business leadership positions have turned to battery acid in the hearts of the common folk. It will continue to eat at the very fiber of your heart and life as you watch the once grand positions and power disappear in the fog of people who at one time held you in great esteem. The battery acid that is eating you alive is also burning up the very lives of your victims, as they testify of your ingrained, accomplished, corruption. You have quite the treasure chest saved up for your last days. Your last days are here and your treasure chest will do you no good. It will only stand in judgement against you as you grovel alone in misery, rejection and isolation. Your acquired riches that you must spend to defend yourself, stands in judgement against you, as testimony of your guilt.

Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth.

Behold, the people that have been doing the hard work for you, those who have been exposed to the elements of the world of evil, those that are working in obscurity, those that are in the ditches and misery for you, making sure your name stays on top, those that are accustomed to hearing commands and arrogance from you; are not getting their dues. You are neglecting them and calling it your privilege to treat them as those that are disposable and replaceable. You knowingly allowed your victim’s children to be brutally raped and emotionally destroyed by your own workers, while you are busy telling them of the love of Jesus, and feeding them from your hand. They are crying to the Lord and the Lord is hearing them. The Lord has a tender heart for the down trodden and he will hear the anguished cries of your victims, that you consider as “disposable”.

Ye have lived in pleasure on the earth, and been wanton; ye have nourished your hearts, as in the day of slaughter.

You have enjoyed the life of pleasure, ease and excess, while dismissing the needs of your subjects. You have required your own people to satisfy your extravagance. You have lived in the desires of your own hearts as though you have a fatted calf every day. Nothing is too extravagant for you. You expect and demand it.

Ye have condemned and killed the just; and he doeth not resist you.

Whenever a person tries to shine the light of truth into your life, you berate, condemn and assassinate his character. You have no qualms about completely destroying any one that dares to question your integrity. You don’t care how it affects his health, his livelihood, or his name. You will put forth every effort to destroy that person.  You know you can because of your clout. You know you can because of his status and lack of resources. You know you can because you know  he is too timid to resist. Your victims are endless and you arrogant brutality knows no limits. Just like the “Generation of vipers” Jesus talked about.

You are where you are because of choices you made, each step of your successful life. That’s what brought Hitler and Stalin where they ended up being. You chose to allow HURT to grow and by your negligence you fostered it.

With all your riches, you are able and willing to hire lawyers to protect your assets, something your victims are not able or interested in doing. You reject the very Savior that you preached about for many years, and choose to defend your position with a worldly lawyer. How are your victims and past parishioners supposed to have faith in your past messages? The only winner in this situation will be the lawyers. You don’t need a lawyer, you need a Savior.

A Beautiful and Assuring Promise for the Meek and Humble, Faithful Children of God

                                                                        James 5:7-12

Be patient therefore, brethren, unto the coming of the Lord. Behold, the husbandman waiteth for the precious fruit of the earth, and hath long patience for it, until he receive the early and latter rain.

You, the person that has truly become the brother of Jesus Christ, has the full attention of the Lord who is watching the fruit of our “earth,” our flesh, which is under His direction and guidance. May the Lord receive the 100 fold fruits of our humble, faithful, and loving work in the Kingdom of God, as the early and latter rains fall.

Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh.

You, brother of Jesus Christ, be patient. Don’t run ahead of God’s direction or get frustrated when you don’t see immediate results for your faithful labors. Let your faith in God grow deep. Trust in Him for He cares for you, His child. Let His Word dictate your life. The more you do this the closer you get to the Lord and the closer He gets to you. He loves you.

Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold the judge standeth at the door.

Forgive those who have hurt you and sinned against you, otherwise God cannot forgive you. Granting full forgiveness to those is the exact way Jesus forgave you. He allowed your sins to kill Him, while He trusted His Father to raise Him back to life, so that you can have a Father-Son relationship with His Father. Forgive those that have hurt you so that your Heavenly Father can show His love by forgiving you and you can love Him. Otherwise the greatest judgement against you is the Father not being able to relate to you because of your unforgiving heart.

Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience.

“Take”. Receive the prophets. Receive the real people who speak and teach the real truth of God. Do not listen to those that speak truth so that they can wield power and influence. But listen to those that present the truth with love, accuracy, and dedication, and also lead a life of holiness in spite of what others think or circumstances in life that you have no control over.

Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.

When we look at Job, it was when he proved his dedication to God and the devil, that God restored all that he had lost. God was full of tender mercy throughout Job’s experience. It was the devil that challenged Job, and once Job declared the truth, his life was in total dedication and praise to God. Let’s endure and be happy and joyful in the midst of these experiences. What greater joy can we potentially have than to endure for our Savior’s sake, after all He has done for us. He is patiently waiting while we declare and prove our dedication to Him.

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation.

Let’s not place our trust in anything except Jesus and His Word. May our yes to Him and His cause, be a full YES, and our no to the devil and his evil ways, be a solid NO. Amen.

My Brethren, You are where you are, because of choices you made each step of your life. Abraham, David, Daniel, Paul, and all the thousands of martyrs, ended up where they did because of choices they made, every step of their life.

Willing, Obedient, Humble, service is a CALLING and a CHOICE between two options.

PRAISE GOD, WE HAVE MANY EXAMPLES OF THESE, BOTH IN THE SCRIPTURES, OUR ANABAPTIST HISTORY, AND IN OUR PRESENT DAY.

Blessings,
Bill Miller

***

After thinking over the statements made by those that feel that somehow the effort to recompense the victims would just bring more “victims” out of the woodwork, I say “So what?” 

First of all what was the offence and who caused it?

Should the offender and his supporters not be willing to take whatever reaping that comes as a result of his sowing?

Does the offender and his supporters not see Jesus hanging on the cross and asking the Father to forgive him, the offender, long before the offender was even born?

Does the offender and his supporters not see that Jesus was completely and totally innocent and yet chose to accept the whatever the ungodly world of sinners could and did place on his shoulders? 

Does the offender and his supporters not see that the possible falsified requests for remunerations of some extra supposed victims is not even measurable in compared to the iniquities of the whole world placed on Jesus’ shoulders?

Does the offender and all his supporters not realize the good that would come to themselves by willingly and totally forgiving those that would possibly “unfairly” ask for rewards?

Does the great organization of CAM not understand that they would benefit great and innumerable blessings form God by turning this whole thing over to a different Christian organization, that would have the right and responsibility of acting on the behalf of the victims, on behalf of the victims families and on behalf of the communities of the victims, regardless of the monetary cost? That’s exactly what Jesus did!

Does the offender and all his supporters not realize that there is nothing in the world that is cheaper than money? It is our most precious commodity but we are willing to part with it in exchange for anything else we want, except in the event that someone might get an undeserved advantage. How foolish and ungodly for us to begrudge the potential event that someone in Haiti might take undue advantage of a reward!

Oh how the great and mighty have fallen, both in deeds and theology! Oh how awful the results of this great fall! Oh how awful the fact of this fall, in light of the fact of the last 75 years of revival meetings, church plantings, ordinations, mission works and outreaches, Sunday Schools, summer Bible Schools, winter Bible Schools for the youth, and all kinds of teaching seminars. How many more teachings do we need in order to get back on the TRUE BIBLE WAY? Do we even realize where we are in relation this True Bible Way?

A concerned Brother,
Bill Miller
miller5254@gmail.com

***

I am encouraged by these compassionate men of God, who care for victims. I have never met Bill or his son, but hope one day to have that opportunity.

As always…

With love,
~ T ~

***

***  See below: early ‘concert only’ registration for abuse survivors Nov. 2, 2019. ***

The young woman who was assaulted at age 7… Five donations have come in so far with enough funds to cover . (We are still waiting to confirm the fee, so not sure just how many). Thank you for contributing. Every bit helps, as this is will require ongoing support. If you wish to contribute, you may do so through the following link: Support for Rape Survivor.

She continues to be amazed by the support that she has felt and seen, and extends her thanks and appreciation. It has been encouraging for me to see ‘the church’ enter into her story and care for her well-being in word, prayer, and helping with her counseling costs.

***

ONLY 2 MORE WEEKS TO REGISTER WITH LUNCH AND CONCERT INCLUDED!
(ENDS AUGUST 1, 2019)
THE GATHERING, NOVEMBER 2, 2019, LANCASTER BIBLE COLLEGE:
One of the things we are working toward November 2, 2019, at  THE GATHERING, is creating a place where we collectively invite God into our grief.  It is exclusively for Anabaptist survivors of sexual abuse, and their trusted support persons to join together for a day of acknowledging the generations of suffering. We will cry out to God, together. The invitation is to ‘come as you are’ in your raw brokenness, if that’s where you’re at, or in your healed togetherness. The itinerary is simple. It isn’t about ‘who’ or ‘how’; it is about Jesus and a safe place to meet, to heal another layer, together.

NOTE: Anyone over 18 who sexually assaulted someone – whether child or other adult – is not welcome. This does not mean they are not forgiven if they have repented. It means victims should not fear being confronted with the source of their trauma on such a vulnerable day. Security guards will be present to remove any who show up and are identified as offenders by the victims.

Until August 1, 2019, registration for the day’s events includes lunch and attendance to the evening concert with Jason Gray, whose music had brought hope and healing to countless victims. Songs like “The Wound is Where the Light Gets In“, “A Way to See in the Dark“, Sparrows“, “Nothing is Wasted“, and many more speak a language we understand.

(More information for potential attendees is available under THE GATHERING Registration and for non-attendees at THE GATHERING Information.)

EARLY CONCERT REGISTRATION FOR ALL SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE:
If you are a sex abuse survivor – Anabaptist or not – and are not a sex offender, who wishes to attend the ‘concert only’ portion of The Gathering, we will allow for early registration before tickets are released to the public, August 1, 2019. For link to register for the concert only, email AslanHasHeard@gmail.com. Subject line: “Concert link for survivors”.

***

If you are able to contribute to Generations Unleashed and our work with and for victims, you may donate via PayPal or e-transfer to info@generationsunleashed.com. Or visit Generations Unleashed Donate.

© Trudy Metzger 2019

CAM Releases 2nd Public Statement

Thank you CAM Board of Directors for acting responsibly. I say that understanding that two of the three men who knew of the crimes are on “administrative leave”, pending an investigation into their involvement. This is a reasonable place to start.

I am hopeful that the victims will be acknowledged, and that the truth will continue to surface. In light of the current response by CAM, I will refrain from posting any evidence, for the present, to give CAM time to proactively seek out the evidence available and respond to that evidence.

(Note: I did promise several victims I would share what they wish to communicate, and I will keep my promise to them).

To read the statement, click the photo:
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It is my prayer that this will have a powerful impact on the response of my Anabaptist heritage to sexual violence against children, at home and abroad.

May God forgive us all.

As always…

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2019

Haiti: Sex Trafficking? Anabaptist Sex Offender Watch Lists & Pastors Admit to Broad Leadership Corruption

ANABAPTIST SEX OFFENDER WATCH LIST:

This week I’ve thought a lot about how to address the thing of missionaries in our Anabaptist culture going to other countries, and then molesting children there. (Yes, I realize it happens in other cultures too. But I don’t work in those cultures). I don’t know the rates and percentages, but knowing the vast number of offenders who go unchallenged, and unreported, and then hearing the news of Jeriah Mast’s crimes in Haiti, I find no comfort in sending missionaries. No, I don’t think most of our men and women are offenders, but the rates are higher than many admit to. And too many of them are especially interested in ‘doing the Lord’s work’ where they are most sure they won’t be spotted. To allow it to continue seems, at least to me, to be a form of sex trafficking. Since it is almost impossible to get offenders in our culture to stand trial, let alone on a sex offender registry, there is no protection. And if we include leaders who enable and look the other way, even better.

As I hear of counsellors and support people being sent to help those who were victimized by Jeriah, I am concerned that opportunistic child molester will be more than happy to give their time. Such a list would hopefully make every child molester across our Anabaptist churches especially disinterested in mission work, if they knew they were marked going in. And leaders who land on the list as looking the other way would hopefully think twice as well.

As I contemplated this, an idea struck me. If we all work together, we can create a Watch List of our own TO SHARE WITH HAITI GOVERNMENT and other countries, so they can flag potential high risks missionaries. Since the American and Canadian governments leave Anabaptists to more or less deal with their own people’s crimes (ie; Amish Steering Committees, Crisis Intervention Committees etc.), why can’t we also create our own version of the sex offender registry, through an OFFENDER WATCHLIST focusing specifically on child molesters?

Other than law enforcement and government officials, to whom the list would be voluntarily sent, the list would not be available to the public, or anyone outside the team managing it. It would be up to the country to investigate and interrogate the individual upon entering or attempting to enter their country. 

That in mind, I am appealing to every victim out there to send in the name of every person over age *16 who sexually molested you when you were a minor (excluding states/provinces where minors must be protected until age 18). Please include both male and female offenders and send the information to: REPORT ANABAPTIST SEX OFFENDERS, with a subject line of “Anabaptist Sex Offender Watchlist“.

UPDATE: Someone has reached out to suggest we form a team to manage the list. I am reaching out to a medical doctor and several other professionals to seek such support. 

NOTE: Please do not send ‘speculation’ cases. There must be at least one confirmed victim, and the victim(s) must be willing to confirm. Send cases only if you are the victim, or the victims’ immediate family or if the victim has requested you send the info. Only credibly accused will make the list, and the more information that is included, the more credible. Vague, rumour-based accusations with no specific information will not be included. (Church confessions to ‘immoral failure’, in which the deviance is known to be against a child, is not speculation. That’s about as solid evidence as gets produced in our culture).

In the body of the email copy and paste the following and fill in all information, especially what has asterisks:

  1. Name of offender:
  2. Gender of Offender:
  3. *Citizenship of Offender:
  4. Date (or year) of offence:
  5. Offender’s church at time of offence: 
  6. Was the offender a church/ministry leader (YES/NO):
  7. If yes, what was the name of the church/ministry:
  8. * Is offender currently in leadership:
  9. If yes, what church/ministry:
  10. *Age of offender at time of offence: 
  11. *Age of victim at time of offence:
  12. *Offence committed (ie: rape; molestation etc):
  13. *Any confirmed current minor victims (YES/NO):
  14. *State/Province & Country of offence:
  15. Reported to law YES/NO:
  16. Handled by (Church Discipline/Law/Both):
  17. Name of church leader(s) who knew:
  18. Address of church leader (if known):
  19. Approximate age of church leader (DOB if known):
  20. *Name of church:
  21. Address of Church:
  22. *Church Affiliation (Eastern; BMA; Charity etc):
  23. Any additional information that may be helpful:

NOTE: Include ministry leaders (male and female) and counsellors who engage or have engaged in practices of ‘holding’ – whether heads lying on laps, sitting on laps or other physical touch, massaging etc – as these are not safe for working with vulnerable individuals.

Since  leaders who look the other way are as dangerous as the offenders themselves, I have included information on them. We will take the information, create a list and release it to the Haitian government, as well as other countries where missionaries tend to exploit children including Guatemala, Mexico, Romania, Thailand, Cambodia, and any other country that is interested. This will allow them to flag these individuals, and keep them out of their countries.

We will make it clear which cases have been proven guilty by law, which ones were handled by church, and which ones are allegations with neither law or church discipline.

If you know of church leaders or leaders of other ministries who have covered up, or are ‘looking the other way’, please send them through. (The victim should not be named if you are not free to disclose).

All cases involving minors will be reported to the law. The list is available to law enforcement internationally and in the state/country crimes took place.

Emails sent to this address are managed by volunteers, and messages that are not on topic are not guaranteed a response. Hate mail will be deleted. Threats will be forwarded to authorities.

Offenders who would like to report themselves and get support, will be responded to. We have connections with several gentlemen who offended in the past who are willing to help you navigate the process of taking full ownership and walking you through genuine repentance. I am willing to help also, as needed, and support you and these gentlemen in the process.

Together we can stand in the gap and stop the exploitation of children.

Please be aware: I will be sending in the name of every leader (this includes some ASAA leaders) involved in the cover up and dreadful handling last year’s case, related to David Denlinger, and giving access to the evidence I hold of such mishandling. Not one leader, to date, has had the integrity to own their wrongs and the gaslighting. I will not stand by and watch them get sent to other countries until  such a time as that issue is resolved and full ownership taken for the mishandling, gaslighting and leaving the victims unacknowledged to this day.

***

CHURCH LEADER CORRUPTION:

There is a network of people in our Anabaptist communities who are skilled at keeping truth tightly ‘managed’, and sex offenders carefully protected.  They know each other, and they work together. Make of that what you will.

Oh, and some are very ‘nice guys’, so don’t go imagining it’s all the ultra conservative ones. It’s not. Most are the charismatic, people-drawing ones.

In the middle of that, this week pastors and their wives across multiple ‘brands’ of our Anabaptist culture reached out. They are weary. It is a lonely place to serve, and knowing which leaders to trust is difficult, when they feel surrounded by wolves. Yes, they are saying those things. How can they connect with other like-minded leaders who love Jesus and want to serve the people, rather than be dominated by power-mongers?

My dilemma is this, I am happy to be here to support you as leaders in whatever way I can. But the truth is there is only one way to find each other, and that is by you each boldly taking a stand. Some leaders who reached out have already resigned due to corruption. Others see the corruption of power and feel helpless to influence change, having watched how the power was taken.

Church, we have a problem.

This is not the Jesus Way.

Leaders, I urge you to stand against the wolves among us at all cost. Do so wisely and thoughtfully, but do so. Leave, if you cannot walk in truth among them. Confronting them rarely works. (Which does not mean that you should not, but be forewarned that you will be stripped). They will get up on Sunday morning and go into lengthy manipulative speeches about your divisive spirits, about how your are in rebellion and sowing discord. They will shame you and make it look like they love truth.

I have received messages – including audio recorded evidence – from California to Florida, to my little corner of the world, of how such leaders attack their people when you try to confront them. What I’ve stated is not even the tip of that iceberg. They are bullies. They are abusive. They care about image. And they care about themselves and their power.

Church members and attendees, I urge you to be aware. Be discerning. Watch for the signs. And be there for the wounded. These leaders are leaving trails of (spiritual) corpses in their wake. Watch for those ‘corpses’ and don’t by the ‘he’s just divisive’ line. Any time that is used in relation to a wounded person in the care of the leader speaking is a great time to lean in and hear the wounded.  It’s a sign the leader is spiritually abusive.

And if they’re throwing around the Jezebel line.. it’s pretty much a given, that you are dealing with an abuser. I’ve not met one man or woman who flings that term around who isn’t spiritually abusive. It’s a glorified way of demonizing people so they can be dismissed, and especially to silence the voices of godly women. And it’s demonic. It’s certainly not biblical.

***

CLARIFICATION ON BLOG RELEASED JUNE 13, 2019, REGARDING MR. SHANKSTER:

Some of you have asked for clarification regarding the blog in which Simeon Shankster withdrew from CAM. To read the blog click here: Anabaptist Missionary Takes Stand

They partnered together in various ways; he was not part of CAM.

Mr. Shankster is 100% for reporting sex offenders to the law and not interfering with the legal process. Hence, no nonresistant Christian should interfere with legal justice for the offenders, nor should they try to force it. (He does not agree with my advocacy methods. However, he also does not condemn me as a Christian. We come out at a different biblical understanding on this matter. I would not hesitate to work for the government or the law — apart from the fact that I’m lousy at following politics, and am much too independent a thinker to cow-tow to the system – and Mr. Shankster would not believe that is appropriate. I respect his opinion and understanding. And I most certainly respect him as a man of God).

Mr. Shankster believes “We ought to obey God rather than man” and that for Paul Weaver and Eli Weaver to not speak out about their knowledge (since at least 2012) of Jeriah’s crimes, is unbiblical. This is part of the ‘two kingdom’ doctrine he refers to. Ultimately, lawyer or no lawyer, CAM board of directors or no board of directors, he insists these men owe the public the truth. And at least three of us hold hard evidence of truth.

I have responded based on my personal conversation with Simeon. I have spoken as truthfully and accurately as possible, given my understanding of what he said in our conversation. If he sends any corrections, I will update.

If you have any further questions please send them to: Trudy Metzger.

As always…

With love,
~ T ~

 

© Trudy Metzger 2019

 

Haiti:Anabaptist Pastor/Missionary, Andy Faller, Speaks Out

This morning someone sent me the attached (see link) written by Pastor Andy Faller from Haiti. I’ve never met him, but I recognize truth when I read it, hear it and see it. He has my deepest respect. I chatted with several friends about him and was told he is a very conservative Anabaptist pastor who is obviously ‘breaking rank’ to speak truth publicly.

Please pray for him and his family, for Simeon Shankster and his family, and all those rising up to address the current crisis honourably from inside the culture. We all know that does not happen without a price tag, usually a high one, and usually paid by those speaking truth. May God give them grace and strength.

Read the letter here (or scroll down to images, which may not be as clear): Andy-Faller-Public-letter

My heart is many things this morning. Saddened. Grateful. Broken. Healed. Grieving. Weeping. Rejoicing to see men rise up…. Thankful that Jesus is in this crazy mess, and that he was willing to speak into deception, to show that it can be done.

In over 9 years of working with sex crimes in our Anabaptist communities I have never seen men of God rise up like this publicly and stay standing. I have watched them rise, and then bow to the system, cave to the pressure. I’ve been gaslighted. Lied to. Lied about. That is normal in my line of work.

When the sacred cow gets poked, those who draw milk from her and revere her, without fail, turn to deception and blinding the public. This case is no different on that front.  But this time men are rising up. Standing tall on truth. Refusing to cater to religious politics or protect rank.

In the past few days I’ve sat and stared at hard evidence of things said by those who now declare my blogs are lies. I listen to the audios.  Their words. That is what I wrote about. They are either truth… or they are  lies of the ‘authors’ of the words, whether spoken or written. I try to reconcile this with the cry to forgive, the loud screams (figuratively) — “Trudy is the most wicked woman in all the world! She is evil! She is not a Christian!” — while those declaring these things (and there are many) brazenly lie, and destroy evidence (a bit too late because others have it) that might reveal to the world their lies.

Tell me… Who is God? Who is Jesus? What is truth in a religion such as that?

(No, I’m not broadly painting all Anabaptists. I’m sharing what has happened repeatedly in 9+ years).

Those are the ‘norms’. What is happening this time is not my ‘norm’.

I’ve never watched men rise up and boldly, speak truth without wavering in the crazy of abuse being exposed. And, in this case, even posting publicly what they know is truth. That kind of backbone, and not slipping to jargon about ‘unity’ and making it about everything but the issue at hand … this is a new thing. And I thank God for this day.  I am sorry it took such an extreme situation and such a public exposure to get here. But even this is a thing God is using powerfully.

No, these men don’t align with me. They’ve offered no illusions of such a thing. I’ve had blunt disagreements with at least one. But they stand for truth. And they know truth. So they are rising up, and speaking out.

It gives me hope… Not for myself, because I am not in the conservative Anabaptist system of churches. It gives me hope for healing among them. For the ‘system’ to crumble so that Christ is made stronger. And not just stronger, but central in all things. Because He said, “I am the Truth”, so for Him to be fully alive in us, and fully present in our churches, Truth and truth must take their rightful place.

Today I thank God that men are rising up in truth and in their God-given authority. I bless the men, their wives and their families. I know there are others, there are many, and not all will ever need to take a public stand, but I understand the price attached to such a stand.

As always…

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2019

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In Harold Herr’s own Voice… CAM/Life knew; Jeriah tells the Law & Repentance Pizza Party


During my time in Haiti I met with Harold Herr. I did not seek out this meeting, but was advised by several people to meet with “Grandpa Harold’ to talk about this case. I was completely disinterested. I do not know him. Nonetheless, after some nudging I agreed to have him answer what others could not. Who knew?

I sat with him and another gentleman and said, “I was told Paul Weaver knew. I was told Eli Weaver knew. And … I was also told that you knew.” To this he replied, “I’ll tell you exactly how it is…”

Rather than transcribe it, here I’ll let you listen for yourself:

Note: What is troubling is that some people will be more outraged that I recorded this information than they ever were or will be that Jeriah molested so many children. I know the drill.

EDIT: To avoid it being a distraction to readers, I will add this. I checked with a lawyer about Haiti law and if I am within legal boundaries here with this recording. I am. Had CAM told the truth, there would have been no need for sharing this.

***

It seems a follow up blog addressing some of the events of Jeriah Mast’s first three weeks back on USA soil would be appropriate. I’ve heard from numerous sources – both public and private – that I failed to present the full story. As I stated in my previous blog, there are things I cannot say, related to more crimes unrelated to Haiti. There is an investigation, and I will do my best to leave that to law enforcement.

Then there are things I chose not to say, simply to keep the focus on the case and the boys. Now, with word having reached nearly 50,000 people – plus the email copies that were made and sent via ‘mass email’ through CAM… well, who really knows how far it went – and given CAM feels I have not been forthcoming, I will tell some of those details. (Still excluding info regarding stateside crimes). It is my expectation that CAM will wish I did not know what I am about to tell you. Yet, you, the donors and fellow believers, deserve to know the other side of the story.

***

The following is what I wrote to law enforcement before posting the blog:

I am most interested that truth is told and that this will not be another case that slides under the proverbial rug. Having done my best to cooperate with the law, whether Jeriah gets jail time or not is not my problem. Whether the American (including Canada) church is informed or not is my duty, just as reporting to the law is.”

My personal thoughts are that a serial sex offender/pedophile/child molester who has duped the public for 20 years would do well to spend time in prison. We are not talking about a 14-year-old who has looked at a child and returned to plead forgiveness, unsolicited. We are talking about a man who has completely pulled the wool over the eyes of many, many people. With the help of leaders who reduced the crimes to ‘moral failings’, he was able to do this. Had they named it, he would never have gotten by with it. So, yes, prison is a reasonable outcome. But my responsibility is limited to reporting and giving information to the law. I have done that. As more reportable info comes in, I will continue to do just that.

***

I will now create a bit of a timeline, with less storytelling than the previous blog:

Friday May 3, 2019: Confronted by Pastor Eris:

Pastor Eris confronted Jeriah regarding allegations of molesting many Haitian boys. Initially Jeriah denies, but with enough pressure, he admits to the crimes.

(There is some discrepancy in reports. Some say Jeriah is immediately ‘let go’ (aka fired) from CAM. Others say this is not true. The only relevance to the case is that if they fired him, there was at least one person taking it serious… or at least trying to protect CAM).

May 3 to May 4, 2019: Jeriah Flees Haiti:

Realizing he is exposed, Jeriah takes his family in the middle of the night and flees to Dominican Republic, rather than flying out of Haiti. He has an accomplice for this, and takes a vehicle that is not his usual transportation.

May 11, 2019: Jeriah and Marian renew wedding vows:

Six days after fleeing Haiti for the crimes he committed, Jeriah and Marian renewed their vows. (This ‘ceremony’ to be somewhat known in Ohio, where I was only days ago). When I asked why, I was told because of his moral failings and unfaithfulness to her.

May 6 – May 21, 2019 (approximately and throughout):

Visits stateside victims:

Jeriah apologizes and learns that none are interested in pressing charges. This information is useful. He plans to turn himself in after these visits.

Connect with Amish Steering Committee (ASC) for help:

A ‘restoration plan’ is put in place including accountability and professional counseling.

Regarding ASC  & the “restoration plan” one of the family in Ohio says the following:

It is basically doing what the law would do, but it’s in a church setting, and it also includes professional counseling and all that.  Basically, it’s a Restoration Plan to bring restoration and healing to the situation… Through the ASC working with the law enforcement they have been able to keep these people from having to pay the consequences…” And, regarding the crimes they say, it’s definitely been an addiction. I think looking at it from that perspective helps everyone understand more how some of these things could happen.

Also during this time period, there was great enthusiasm and encouragement brewing that God would redeem this mess and that Jeriah would be used powerfully in men’s ministry after the “Restoration Plan”

Somewhere in these weeks, they also prayed daily for the victims. I am told the prayers were by name. I’ve been told that they maintain that all sins are equal, and that those talking are sinning.

And I’m told that Jeriah spent much time in prayer weeping. Good. But until we see repentance with fruit – and in this case it involves facing the people and the law where he committed his crimes, those tears don’t mean too much in the way of practical transformation.

May 22, 2019, Jeriah ‘turned himself in’ to law … with no intentions of admitting to crimes in Haiti:

To that end, the following details are critical when looking at the ‘turning himself in’ part of this story:

  • he intended only to report stateside crimes and tell the law the victims don’t want to press charges
  • he lined up Amish Steering Committee support and had a “Restoration Plan” to avoid consequences (Whether stated or not, those involved said they would request going to Whispering Hope or Fresh Start instead of prison)
  • was not going to talk about the Haiti crimes because CAM had a lawyer looking after that

That was the plan. But… alas…

Several people reported and made sure the FBI knew. (How the interview was scheduled I have not asked and do not know). But the FBI liaison was there for the interview, and what he was not planning to confess, ended up being confessed because it had already been reported.

This was followed by a pizza party to celebrate finding favour with the law. In attendance was CAM staff member Dwayne Stoltzfus and wife Lois.

Pictures of this event, I am told, are floating around USA… If you have photos, I’d welcome them as they would make a convincing addition to this blog post.

***

 That same day I reported to FBI everything I knew and had received from numerous sources; individuals who were concerned it would all be covered up again. This included missionaries, former CAM staff, and friends of Jeriah.

***

I have a very good friend who I learned early on is closely connected to the case. I told her two things:

1. I will do what is right, no matter how close this strikes. And I am so sorry if you get hurt in the process.

2. I will get information from other sources. It will come to me. And it did.

 

***

And, now, I am told, a public statement has been released by CAM… I will go and read that and possibly do an update after the fact, depending on how closely what is said there matches what I learned from Harold Herr.

I am interested in truth and justice, with mercy. In the face of lies, deception and coverup, not one of those can truly exist.

So let’s hope they’ve admitted they knew since 2012, that they did nothing for years, and only now that they are public exposed they finally are doing something. It isn’t good enough, for an organization to neglect crime so blatantly, but it is a starting point.

Until we get that level of truth, there’s nothing to work with.

To read part one: “Haiti Commissioner Order CAM to Appear in Court...”

As always…

Love,
~ T ~

 

 

© Trudy Metzger 2019

 

 

What about the “victim mentality”?

The term ‘victim mentality’ is one I don’t use, because I have found the true ‘victim mentality’ is an incredibly rare phenomenon. I would dare to say that what we often call victim mentality is the aftermath of dreadfully under-acknowledged terror and trauma, rather than some notion of ‘wanting to stay there’. (More on what drives this being stuck in trauma later). In 9 years of interacting closely with them, I have watched most victims of abuse move ‘beyond survivor’ to truly thriving, with few exceptions. This includes those who were my clients, and many who were not my clients but stayed in close contact as they worked through their stories with other mentors and counsellors.

At least a percentage of these individuals would have been classed as having a ‘victim mentality’. Always needing sympathy or affirmation — or both — and seeming to feel ‘poor me’ at every turn with everyone around them always being out to do them harm, no one ever understanding them, and ever being on the fringe of an emotional crash (including threat of suicide etc).

Along with this there was, for some, the need to have somewhere between 6 and 8 people at any given moment whom they would hold on emotional string, as I call it, that they could yank at any moment to have people running from every direction to ‘save them’ from themselves. This is exhausting for everyone.

Sometimes we call it ‘victim mentality’ because we are tired, so that we can remove ourselves from the suffering, which is not productive. It is a sign of deep wounds that need healing. And those who have no concept of offering healthy support, make things worse by accommodating every yank of the string. And yet, ignoring them is not the answer; these victims do need support.

What has happened is that their boundaries have been brutally violated in the same act that left these victims of abuse so emotionally/psychologically, sexually, spiritually and often physically devastated. They, therefore, do not know how to respect healthy boundaries, and when their pain surfaces, for many the only survival skill they have is drawing emotionally from others.

We judge them for it, when the reality is that their suffering has never been acknowledged, and no one has ever said, “I’m so sorry. May I just sit with you in your pain, and love you where you are at?”

When we do that… When we stop judging their neediness… When we stop defining their place of suffering as ‘victim mentality’ …. When we pull up a chair at that preschooler’s table – or that pre-teen’s or teenager’s …now that young woman or man – something beautiful happens. They begin to heal.

To offer this support well requires having boundaries. Set specific times to meet. Have a limit on how many texts, emails, phone calls etc, and set time restrictions on how long those calls are. Or you will be consumed, and they certainly will not heal. We enter into their suffering, but must do so with wisdom.

Then, when we have been there with them, in that dark place of their suffering, only then have we earned the privilege of being invited to speak. It’s not a right. It’s a privilege. And the best gift we can give, when we do speak, is an invitation to walk together. An invitation to share with them the Love of One who gives us life and hope. Not an invitation for us to ‘fix’ them. Or for us to help them arrive where we are. But an invitation to meet the One who is our life and hope. The One who defines us.

When we are given permission to speak His life, His hope and His purpose over them, they grow. They learn to trust. They learn to forgive. As we care, they become stronger. They heal. And when they heal, they no longer see only their own pain, but the pain of others.

Some fear healing. It isn’t that they don’t want to heal, most of them. But a few are terrified of healing. If they heal, who will be there? The only connections some have ever had, have been linked to their trauma and need. If they heal, who will be there? If they heal, will they be alone… lonely? And who will they be? They’ve never been anything other than in pain and suffering? What if being whole demands things they are not capable of. More than one survivor of trauma has admitted these fears to me.

It is easy to judge from a distance. It’s easy to say those fears are not reasonable. Yet they are very real for many survivors of terror and trauma. The shift from fear to thriving happens with recognizing we have something to give, that our need doesn’t have to be the source of our fulfillment.

When, having sat with them in their sorrow, we have earned the privilege to speak… And when, having earned the privilege to speak, we have encouraged, and believed, and spoken life and purpose… Then we can ask the hard questions…

worm to butterfly

What if healing didn’t mean you would be alone? What if healing meant that you could be there for others? What if healing meant that you would be more fulfilled than you ever imagined you would be or could be? What if…?

And when they dare to embrace that challenge, a courage rises up, and they reach out. And in reaching out to others, they are healed. Again. And this doesn’t mean they will never struggle. Tomorrow might be a hard day. Next week they might call their counsellor because they feel lost. Next year they might need someone to ask again, “What if healing doesn’t mean you will be lonely, or alone? What if you keep reaching out to others? What if…?”

It isn’t a victim mentality. Not usually.  And we do a lot of damage when blithely we write it off as that. Mostly it is fear. It is the aftermath of deep trauma. It is a failure to thrive because there has been a failure in those of us around them to sit with them patiently in their suffering, and acknowledge it. And it is a journey. A rising and falling. And rising again.

Only when we have walked through deep trauma, or dared to entered into the suffering of others can we grasp that battle.

***

When we reach out to others in hope and healing,
our healing comes more quickly.
~ Isaiah 58 ~ 

 

Love,
~ T ~

 

© Trudy Metzger 2019

Groffdale (Old Order Mennonite) Conference: A New Thief in Church?

While traveling in USA recently I met with friends in the Old Order church (Groffdale conference) and shared some of their current concerns and frustrations with me. They also gave me liberty to share with the public these concerns.

Two years ago the leaders told the churches they are giving them two years’ warning that they need to change computer systems to one approved by the leaders. (My friends referred to this as a castrated computer.) The Bishop, who I’m told is family  to the man who allegedly stands to gain several million out of this deal, signed for a 501-C3 charity organization so the money will not be taxed. (Edit: I was told brother-in-law by one person, and first cousin by another, but family member in any case.)

Rather than explain or discuss the situation, I am posting the letters my friends shared with me and encouraged/blessed me to share with others. This was investigated by Dave Crill of Archangel Investigators:

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What is my interest in this case? While not sexual abuse, and the uncovering and healing of it, to which I have dedicated my life, I have long believed and believe still that there is plenty of other corruption behind the abuse. Jesus says the love of money is at the root of all evil. When I see abuse covered up, when leaders look the other way, almost without fail there is incredible power linked to money involved. Not always, at least not blatantly so, but often. The lack of transparency here is spilling into other areas of the lives of those at the core of the corruption and it all needs to be unravelled so that healing can begin. True healing.

As long as there is corruption protected at a leadership level, there will be abuse of every kind of power. I don’t think we’ve begun to chip at the tip of an iceberg, and before this is over much more corruption will be exposed. I pray for it. So that God can once again be given His rightful place. Only then will Jesus be truly welcomed among us.