Starting in 2018, I had a series of encounters that led me to start formulating a blog addressing the Conservative Anabaptist church with an apology, and why I am apologizing. I never finished that blog. Life happened. The concussion and spine/shoulder/wrist and other injuries I sustained in the 2019 accident in which I was rear-ended at 120 km/hr (75 mph), made writing difficult, both cognitively and mechanically. Sitting for extended periods of time became virtually impossible, leaving me with difficulty walking after. These things have not changed.

I’ve processed this blog with several friends and confidantes numerous times, but never had the stamina to dive in and finish writing it, or the energy to revisit what led me to that place. I believe advocates have done both much good and much harm in recent years when addressing sexual abuse. Both, in my opinion, deserve to be acknowledged. The good has helped many. That’s a fact. I have the testimonials. The harm has damaged many. That’s as much a fact. Again, I have testimonials. And that harm includes harm to both victims, to the Mennonite church and to the community.

As I look forward to the potential of having surgery, and the hope of returning to work if it is successful, I contemplate what I want to offer. That has led me to finishing and posting this blog at this time, to address the past and prepare for the future.

ADVOCACY SYSTEMS OF ABUSE…
As advocates many of us have addressed systems of abuse in the church, broadly, and/or the systems of abuse specific to our upbringing. These concerns are legitimate. There is history of abuse of power in many churches, including our upbringing. We also challenge cover up of abuse in the church. Again, where there is cover-up, this should rightfully be addressed. It is how change happens. We advocate for hearing victims and leaning in to their needs. This, again, is healthy. Without hearing, acknowledging and validating the suffering of abuse victims, we make healing difficult. Not impossible, but difficult.

With these noble goals, much good can and did come from advocacy. I stand by these things. Where it falls apart, for me, is when we advocates don’t live it out in our own ‘system’. When the unwritten rules of silence that many advocates have called out, become our ‘advocacy system’s code of silence’ something has gone very wrong. When we judge the church, and have the same patterns of abuse of power, I can no longer align with ‘advocacy’.

The awareness that advocacy is infiltrated with abuse and abusers (both sexual and other), and various agendas that have nothing to do with victims, began in 2018. A young man brought forward third party complaints against an advocate and her husband, on behalf of several victims who had allegedly spoken with him and his wife about the abuse they suffered at the hands of the couple. I heard him, but it was third party with not one complaint brought directly to me, with little information and none verifiable. There was nothing I could do without speaking to a victim, nor could I rule out malicious intent on the part of the individual who came to me. Evidence, like it or not — including the ‘victim as evidence’ — is critical before addressing an issue. By 2019 more allegations surfaced against the same couple, this time from victims, but with no permission or request to do anything with that information. I respected the victims’ privacy.

Overlapping with this, someone sent me hard evidence that another advocate was guilty of having sexual contact with a minor, as an adult. The victim (who was no longer a minor) and I eventually communicated. They did not want their name or the allegations made public. Again, I could do nothing. Another advocate was allegedly using victims to try to get confidential information from other advocates and victims. (I was the target of at least one such attempt. It did not work. Allegedly this was done to others as well). More recently, after I had a private conversation with an advocate about a few matters, an advocate told multiple people that they think I am mentally ill. When a law enforcement officer, who formerly worked with advocates in addressing sexual abuse, was charged with fraud, advocates close to him defended him saying it wasn’t as bad as they are making it sound. This, again, is precisely what we advocates have challenged the church on: downplaying victims’ experience and minimizing harm done while making the perpetrator of wrongs the victim of scandal.

In late 2021, I reached out to the advocate and husband against whom allegations were first made in 2018, in hopes of bringing redemption into the relationships harmed. At the time I did not realize the extent of harm done. Initially they seemed to want to take ownership. As we continued the conversation, I was met with lies upon lies from the one party, and enabling and cover-up from the other. One request the victims had was that this couple publicly acknowledge the harm they did. We never got that far. The lies made it impossible to move forward in health. Furthermore, I discovered more and more ways in which the couple had harmed individuals. They allegedly had:

• offered marijuana and alcohol to victims in the state of Pennsylvania, including minor (the one spouse had a medical marijuana card for a health condition, which is beneficial and legal. However, it is illegal to share. Furthermore, for people in trauma marijuana is a gateway drug, making it dangerous to their wellbeing. Thus, the couple was harming victims and engaging in illegal activity according to the laws of Pennsylvania.
• interfered with victim’s counselling appointments by sitting in and making it about themselves rather than letting victims get the help they needed
• in one instance ordering a victim to withdraw allegations of abuse against the advocate’s family member if they wanted to have relationship, and calling the allegations lies (screenshots and audio files of abusive interactions were sent to me)
• told the victims living in their home to dress in ways that don’t tempt the husband (the very thing advocacy criticizes church(es) for doing)
• advocate stripping down with friends and coating themselves with mud, taking pictures, showing pics to (at least one) victim of trauma and inviting that victim to join the next time they go
• (the husband had) held young girls on his lap, including while getting drunk at parties, and encouraged them to call him ‘Daddy’
• provided marijuana to young Anabaptist tenants
• pressured CA victims of sexual abuse to leave their community and/or make changes to attire, cut their hair etc.

As more information trickled in, I realized this was not a situation of an advocate and spouse making innocent mistakes that could be easily reconciled. I wrote up a lengthy report, with evidence, to submit to professionals at a university who work with abuse, to ask for their feedback. Was I, as some had said, overreacting to ‘innocent fun’ that I should be able to laugh at. (I knew in my heart that was not the case). The professor responded that they are not safe advocates, and that I know what I need to do; the same thing I would have done in any other case, and that is to expose it. With my increasing disability (typing, sitting etc), I was not able to do this in a timely manner.

….AND ADVOCACY SYSTEMS OF COVER-UP
When several other advocates realized I was in the process of uncovering the abuse and illegal activity, they did precisely what we advocates — including those in question — challenged in church. One threatened me. Another sent me Matthew 18 (which, ironically, I had followed) and offered a mini sermon. One that any bishop or minister would be attacked for, if they sent it to a victim.

The threats were made by an educated advocate with many years experience, who founded a site that exposes Mennonite leader. The threats made were:

• If I go public, she will no be my friend
  (She made good on this that day). When I remained unphased she escalated:
• She said she had already hired a lawyer to defend the couple and come after me for defamation. I said there is plenty of evidence that there is no malicious intent and that I am telling the truth, so the case won’t go anywhere. She said that’s probably true, then added the third threat:
• If I go public, she promised to go on a smear campaign against me publicly
  Again, I said she is welcome to tell the public anything she wishes to tell them. I try to live an open book, and if I have wronged people, I will own it

She asked, “Are they raping children?” I challenged this mindset, stating that emotional abuse is well documented as doing as much or more harm than sexual abuse. If we care about one, we must care about the others. We may not be called to dive deep into it, but we must acknowledge that harm and seek to prevent it. Certainly, if it is being done in the name of advocacy we must address it.

At one point, the advocate said that the couple is uprooting and moving out of state, and asked me what more they can do, or what more I want from them. We exchanged some messages after our phone conversation. I responded to her question in writing with, “Has it occurred to you that priests and preachers also relocate to ‘start over’? and everyone is silent. We are no different, as advocates, at the end of the day, if that is how we function. I simply cannot align with that kind of hypocrisy.“

MY APOLOGY TO THE CONSERVATIVE ANABAPTIST CHURCH
As advocates, we have failed you and done precisely what we have accused you of. We have publicly called you out for:

• covering up abuse
• for enabling abusers
• threatening victims into silence (ie; threatening membership etc)
• moving abusers from region to region to hide abuse
• using Matthew 18 to smack people over the head when speaking out about abuse
• blaming victims for abuser’s lust, based on how they dress
• calling someone mentally ill to negate them or silence their voice
• minimizing harms done and thereby negating victims’ suffering
  … and so much more

Every item on that list, I have experienced in advocacy, by advocates. And more. I have aligned with the very abuse that I have sought to address in the churches. For this, and the harm done to victims, to the church and beyond, I am sorry.

Furthermore, the way and tone in which some advocacy work was done and communicated has at times been graceless and damaging. The tone, too often, has gone beyond addressing abuse to broad-brush-stroke judgment. I cannot think of any other culture in which we could get by with some of the harshness without being labeled as being hateful. If the way the CA community is spoken about — “they need to be taken down… burned to the ground… destroyed” or similar (all of which I have heard, and presumably meant metaphorically) — was done against the Muslim community, there would be an uproar. If it was the LGBTQ+ community, it would be labelled as hate, stigmatizing, bigotry and possibly even as a hate crime. And, we called them cults, there would be a similar uproar.

When I lay aside every ‘pressure’ from the advocacy world, which I am finally free from, I can state publicly that I don’t respect, participate or endorse that mindset. Almost every church I have attended, where sexual abuse allegations have come up, there have been levels of poor response that could be labeled as cover-up. Some have been just that; blatant cover-up. Others are poor response due to lack of experience.

The advocacy world has become trigger happy in the face of both the former and the latter, broad-brush-stroke labeling it as cover-up with no space to hear the cry of the hearts behind a given action, and no grace for others learning to respond well. That, while looking the other way at our own dysfunctions. And that is wrong. I am sorry for the harm this has done and the trust it has broken.

To assign guilt where there is sincere (albeit inadequate response) does not serve to address abuse. It alienates those sincerely wanting to end abuse, and creates barriers and walls. That is harmful. I am sorry for this.

Building empires and seeking recognition — to the point of asking victims to give public credit for roles played in bringing offenders to justice — is no different than the abuse of power we have condemned in church. Yet, we see and hear of this. This is hypocritical and harmful to victims and to those we claim to be ‘helping’. I am sorry.

MY GOAL AND COMMITMENT:
My commitment, (assuming we are able to raise enough money for spine surgery and I recover enough to return to work), is to communicate truth with compassion. To empower those in the CA community who would be an asset to victims, and to work together and learn together. In the past several years I have had conversations with more than a handful of CA leaders whose hearts long for safety for the children. They are doing what they can to address abuse and bring hope and healing to victims. I believe that this safety can be accomplished within the CA culture, and is being done by some. (Others are manipulating to appear as though they are creating safety while simply covering their wrongdoing. Unfortunately, that happens in every religion, and in non-religious institutions as well. There is good and evil everywhere).

I do not support the belief that all victims must leave the community to heal. Some do. The incredible harm done, and the lack of support in those cases — and sometimes ongoing emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse — make it impossible to heal while in the community. Others have loving supports and thrive in the culture. I honour this. No one, victim or not, should ever feel or be pressured to leave their culture, particularly by advocates. It is a very personal choice that comes at great cost, and sometimes great loss. Advocates, when they are professional and good at their work, focus only on supporting victims’ needs, not influencing them in life changes or getting involved personally.

Where there are sincere attempts to address abuse, there is humility and communication. That is true for advocates and it is true for the church. Where humility is lacking, there is personal or corporate agenda. I commit to nurturing the personal humility that is required to listen with my heart, and work together against a common enemy: sexual abuse. It robs everyone. When we stop abuse, we all win.

I commit to building bridges and open doors. To learn together, to grow together, to support each other in the fight against sexual exploitation and to make the church as safe as possible for children. Safety from sexual exploitation for all and a safe place in church for the wounded so they can strive spiritually is my only goal.

Above all, I commit to:

• prioritizing the needs of victims who reach out for support above all
• continuing to honour the law to the best of my ability, and reporting all *reportable sex crimes, and not engaging in silencing or cover-up, no matter the cost
  *reportable means the victims are minors or special needs, or they are adults requesting my help
• continuing to support victims in what they need; if they do not want it exposed, I honour their needs
• honouring differences between my beliefs/practice and that of the cultures where I work (trusting I am able to return, after spine surgery), especially and specifically the CA community
• working cooperatively with others whose vision and methods show respect for the victims’ needs and the cultures in which they find themselves, and who show humility in their interactions (ability to own wrongs and apologize, and listen with humility to others while always prioritizing the victims’ needs and wellbeing)
• renouncing abusive advocacy just as I renounce abusive practices in religious communities
• engaging with love and kindness when addressing abuse in the Anabaptist community

Where I have done harm not addressed here, and where I have blindspots that have not been pointed out, I welcome you to address my flaws. It brings opportunity for growth and safety. I want to be a safe place for the sincere of heart and for the abused. Where I have followed the laws and respected the victims’ needs, I offer no apology. I stand by that and plan to continue. However, where different methods would have accomplished this same outcome, and protected others from unnecessary harm, I am sorry for my short-sightedness in my approach.

TO THE CA CHURCH AND COMMUNITY:
You are my people. You always have been. You always will be. I love you now. I loved you in the past. That won’t change. I won’t look the other way in the face of abuse, or minimize it, but I will be kind and loving in my approach, and to honour you. I may not hold to the same understanding and religious views, but I respect and honour the sincere among you, just as I do anywhere else. Some of my immediate family and many friends — including church leaders — are among those I know to be true followers of Jesus. Those who want truth, justice, healing and a safe environment for children. The greatest ‘win’ is for everyone is for that safety to happen within the culture.

This is my prayer for you, the CA community. That, where there is lack of safety for children and where abuse has thrived, there will be acknowledgement and that a safe environment will be established for all children, sexually and otherwise. That the conversations and awareness surrounding abuse wil cause you to rise up and protect children and hold offenders accountable. To extend true forgiveness that acknowledges the severity of harm done to sex abuse victims and doesn’t let the forgiven off the hook, doesn’t defy the law in relation to duty to protect and report, and supports those harmed through validation of suffering and leading to wholeness.

Ultimately, I pray that, more than any cultural norms or tradition, the Jesus who entered into the pain of the brokenhearted while he dwelt among us, will find Himself most welcomed in every aspect of addressing abuse. I pray this for you. And I pray this for me. He always leaned in, laying aside all but servanthood, and choosing personal suffering for truth. Then, and only then — when we care for the oppressed, and prioritize justice — have we found true religion (Amos 5).

As always…
Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger