It does not escape me that when I bring things to light, regardless of how kindly I attempt to do it, some consider me to be the Devil’s little sister, at best, and his right hand (wo)man at worst… if not the devil himself. The way I am demonized behind the scenes — not only by main players — trickles back to me. I accept that as the price for truth. But my identity is not in human opinion.
That in mind, and recognizing how I stand to gain not one thing, to those of you who despise me so much, ponder this… What would compel a woman to return to the same bullpen for another round with the bull, knowing the bull is going to leave her torn to shreds? The, having considered that, do what you need to do. Say the things you need to say. Lie the things you need to lie. Cover up the things you need to cover up.
I will do what I need to do because I believe it is what my God wants me to do. I am not asking even one soul to agree with me. I am, however, asking God to show me one step at a time what to do. If I am delusional and not hearing Him, treat me like the sinner I am, and pray that God will save my soul. Because, until God makes it clear to me — not through buddies of the people I expose — that I am hearing wrong, I will do precisely what I believe He has asked of me. Precisely.
I will do it as gently as I know how, and forthrightly, because there is no other way. I will do it with a kind heart. Spoiler alert: exposing abuse and abusers, sexual or spiritual, and particularly those who are idolized, never feels kind to those wishing to hide abuse or protect abusers. It certainly does not feel kind to abusers. So, if that is you, without question you will be offended by me. I say, again, go do what you need to do. Say what you need to say. The vile things I’ve learned about myself in the past month or so accomplish two things:
- Remind me that I am on the right track. People are NEVER vile towards someone who isn’t disrupting something ugly in them or their systems.
- Made me more resilient and free to do what I need to do.
That in mind, I decided to post the 2018 fiasco, and accompanying documentation that I still had from forwarding to several godly men who offered to help bring reconciliation to my relationship with Steve. After reading it, each one bowed out. The only explanation I received, from one (representing a two people who had met with me) was that they are confident Steve will not hear them either. Another ‘friend’ offered to mediate. I took him up on it. He went out for breakfast with Steve. Steve whispered a few sweet nothings into his ears, and next he functioned more like Steve’s bouncer and/or sidekick, and next thing we know, he was invited to speak at an event mere weeks later. And I lost a ‘friend.’
While not in its entirety — because I don’t have it in me to go through the longer documentation, and some things would harm victims — here is much of what I shared with Anabaptist Sexual Abuse Awareness (ASAA). First and foremost, I aim to protect those already harmed. Victims gave me permission to share. I was able to reach all but one to request new permission.
It includes the behind the scenes delight of such an experience, complete with ASAA’s final letter, an apology from Kenny Kuhns that validated much of what I called out during the process. And my responses to ASAA, that I wrote at the time. Some I sent. Some I did not. If you are interested in getting inside my head, and why I was concerned already in 2018 — with very similar patterns as today — here is a lengthy document of screenshots, letters, confessions, and more, to dive into.
This is the bigger backstory to my ongoing concerns.
Attached is the PDF document. If you click on it, you should be able to scroll through and read it:
If, having read this, godly people — who care more for victims and the voiceless and the wellbeing of the church, than self preservation or protecting a buddy — can truly say this is godly behaviour and I should be able to overlook it here and accept it going forward, I would love to hear from you. In person. Give me solid biblical “this is the way Jesus lived and acted” evidence that I have it wrong, and I will try to learn a better way. So far, the people who have tried to sway me have not been able to do that. And, so far, they have all been buddies of those involved in this story.
In a future blog, I plan to look at some of the deception in recent public apologies. (One example is stating — in my own words — “I was accused of rape…” and adding “it is all false.” But he failed to disclose that it was not a stand-alone allegation of rape. oThe concern was directly linked to the crime of incest, which is true, by his own admission to me and (allegedly) someone else who reached out to me. Another source shared it with me some time earlier, but did not disclose what their source was. It would be better to stay silent than to deceive the public. Given there is evidence by his own admission that the crime of incest, to which the allegation of rape was linked, is indeed true. Whether it would legally meet the threshold of rape or not, would depend whether his disclosure to the person who contacted me was false or not. In that disclosure, he is alleged to have said, of several [redacted individuals] that he banged them every chance he got, and banged anything that held still long enough. He also is alleged to have said when [redacted individuals] no longer wanted to participate, he pressured them verbally. That, by any legal definition I know, is rape. “No means no.” To coerce or force beyond a ‘no’ is… .what, exactly? When I asked him if the allegations are true, intermingled with some name calling and demonizing, he stated — in no particular order: 1.) that he took care of it long ago 2.) that I am demented 3.) that it was not rape (however, he did not respond to the allegations regarding coercion and his ‘banging” statements) 4.) and it is none of my business. In the next breath he sated that he had already disclosed this publicly. So why is it such a big deal for me, or anyone concerned about the well-being of victims, to ask him about it?
It is right, reasonable and responsible to look at and shed light, because it is evidence of ongoing personal agenda, harm, and lack of repentance. It is not becoming of leaders who profess godliness and name the name of Jesus, to deceive the body of Christ. I, for one, will not sit by idly. My bible makes it very clear that it is not the answer. My bible calls us to action… To expose evil — and, yes, deception, harming the vulnerable, all of that is evil. The ‘church’ or religion that is ok with looking the other way is not my church. And it is not the Body of Christ.
Jesus made it very clear where He stand in relation to Pharisaical (aka hypocritical) leadership. If repeated, unrepentant deception, including deceptive apologies to appease the public and maintain control, does not fit that category, then I’m not certain what does. I have reached out to Steve privately and given him opportunity to engage in respectful dialogue. I have been called demented, been told my ‘mask for the serpent is slipping’ and more. Behind my back, he has called me a Jezebel and demon possessed. All for exposing hidden darkness. When I questioned him about some of the many allegations brought against him, rather than kindly state they are false (like his public confession said) he attacked and accused me. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, he made partial admissions to some of the things he stated publicly were absolutely false. These are the matters I will address, with screenshots.
While it can be hard to know what to do, even in the face of that uncertainty, there is either an inner repulsion or a passive disregard. It is the latter I speak against, not those who are distressed but have no where to turn.
If you have questions, visit our CONTACT PAGE and send an email, or comment publicly at the end of this blog post. I do not promise that I will respond to all questions, depending on volume. I will not respond to hate mail.
As always….
Love,
~ T ~
A Splash of Love.... 