In my previous blog I posted a statement by Generations Unleashed, in which we responded as an organization to information brought to me regarding a break and enter. My first knowledge of this incident was May 27, 2018, when an ASAA member told me the story at Panera Bread. I told my husband about it later, and soon forgot about it.
Having received a phone call August 28 with information matching what I was told, which allegedly came from Steve Stutzman, I was completely shocked and felt deeply betrayed that the ASAA member did not share this information with me (if the information was, indeed, correct). I had no knowledge of who besides this member was involved. Regrettably, with the history of betrayed trust between Steve and myself, I did not trust asking his word, and with communication cut between us and ASAA, went with what seemed ‘best judgement’. Sadly, ‘best judgement’, and speaking out on information just because the details lined up, was not good judgement enough.
In relation to Steve Stutzman’s involvement, it has become a ‘they say he said’ situation, which we deeply regret. I went in with full confidence that it was accurate, and that Steve would own up to it. In fact, as much as there has been conflict, I wrote just that to the person who informed me and when an officer called me about it, I told him that I think these men will be honourable enough to acknowledge their role. (I also expected there to be an explanation for having done the break and enter to justify it, but that’s another story.) However, Steve maintains having zero involvement in the incident and says he had no knowledge of it. For this reason, I appealed to Generations Unleashed last night, asking for an apology to be issued to Steve Stutzman. As of this morning, Generations Unleashed has publicly withdrawn all allegations of his involvement in the break and enter, and has released an apology to Steve Stutzman for publicly naming him.
I have apologized to Steve Stutzman privately, via text, but owe it to him publicly as well, and I owe it to the public:
Steve, I acknowledge my error in judgement, and my failure to find some way of hearing both your and the ASAA member’s side of the story regarding your alleged involvement in the break and enter. Some way, even with broken trust and cut communication…some way I should have done this… I didn’t. I am deeply sorry for this. I love truth. I despise lies. I love justice. I hate false accusation. I love mercy… mingled with love. While I thought I was dealing with truth, in this case I had no evidence and nothing to substantiate it other than the stories lining up with the story I knew. It was wrong of me to name you. I am sorry for this, and I am sorry for any hurt this caused you, or harm it brought on you. There is an injustice in this, and I’m sorry for that injustice.
The individual who spoke to me did indeed get accurate information regarding the break and enter from someone, and because of how it was presented, I do not and did not believe it to be ill-intended but rather a commitment to what he believes is accurate about Steve’s involvement. I believe it was said in good faith that the information is truth. (This became evident again in conversations since last night.) I further do not believe it was an intentional deception to set me up – as some have asked – but a matter of imperfect human memory. (This is a reminder that I *must* stick with my ‘do you have a paper trail, screenshots or other hard evidence‘ way of approaching allegations if I do not have first-hand testimony, as I do with the original story. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I am anal about this evidence, but unfortunately I let down my guard.)
My heart was and is to stand against the evils of abuse, coverups and victim-blaming and shaming. My heart was and is for truth. It was and is for exposing only that which is wrong. And I maintain that many things are and were wrong these past 8 to 12 months. And in the handling of the information that was brought to me, I definitely was wrong. Ignoring it would not have been right either, but this was wrong. What I should have done, and would do next time, is quietly hand it over to law enforcement to investigate and if there was/is a crime, let them deal with it.
What these past few months have accomplished is a crash course on many things. One of those things is the resurfacing of old triggers and traumas. And that simply means I have more healing to do. As mentioned in my previous blog, I plan to start seeing a counsellor in September to work through this, and whatever all it has dredged up. I will heal at a whole new level.
Sitting in the office of one of my doctors today, I shared reactions I’m having to the current heart meds. She shook her head and said those symptoms are not side effects. It’s stress, she told me. Fortunately the nurses had booked an extra long appointment to go over all things heart-related, and all things related to ‘growing up’ (aka transitioning to old girl issues) and such, so she had time. She asked a few questions, and as I shared she got a twinkle in her eye. Before she could say it, I said it for her, “This is what is making my heart ‘rush’ and why I wake up at night having stopped breathing.” She smiled and nodded. I told her I’m glad to go back to school, to focus on research and remove myself from advocating. It’s hard. It’s really hard. And I really am not made for advocating like this. It’s not my gift and it stresses the life out of me. I love public speaking. I love training. But advocating is a trigger for me. A brutal trigger. I’ve never done it so intently before, and I’ve never gone public with a situation before. And now I know how hard it is… and how much it is not for me, but how much I admire those who are able to do so.
In fact, I feel like it has set me back a thousand miles on every front. Like I’ve lost my way among ‘faith people’, and really don’t fit into the church/religion scene. (Even less than before, when I didn’t realize I had anything to lose.) Sure, there’s God. He loves me. He is good. He is kind. He is gracious and patient and tender. Always. But it feels at times like He has gone on an extended vacation and forgot to put His auto-responder on. I know that isn’t a fact, but in the worst of life, when nothing makes sense, it feels that way.
But that’s not all bad. As I tell clients when they share this struggle, one of the best things in the world is knowing that God is present, He is steady, He remains a constant Love in our life, even when things are crazy. He is a straight line that never moves, in the ups and downs of our experience. Knowing that truth is so much more important than feeling it. So much more important.
Another cost has been trust. I’ve been told in the past that I trust too blindly, naively and too easily. Well… no one will need to accuse me of that for a while. So, while it feels like my healing has been harshly disrupted, and my trust in people left dangling on a fraying thread, I will rebuild… or more accurately, I will be rebuilt. (Jeremiah 31). I refuse to surrender to defeat. I will rise again.
If there is one thing I want those who are victimized to know, it is this: You can fall, you can fail, you can crumble, and you can shatter. But you can and will rise again. Always. If you are willing….
Life can knock the wind out of you…
~ T ~