“Little girl, welcome!” (House of God; House of Horrors)

TRIGGER WARNING: The following poem contains graphic words and content related to sexual abuse of a little child in a religious setting.

*****

Back and forth. Up and down. Little fingers tracing the grooves between the block. Feeling the smooth and rough parts.
Blocks. Concrete blocks.Painted blocks. They made up the big building called the church.
“House of God” they called it.
“Sacred” they told me.
To the child, it was a house of horrors. More like hell.


Crouched beside the wall, running fingers along the blocks.
Unconsciously trying to feel some normalcy and safety.
Up and down. Back and forth.


Sometimes the bushes beside the block walls offered a little protection. I knew which ones offered the best cover.
Slipping between the wall and the blocks or inside the bush itself, I could listen and watch the shoes of members walking by.
Waiting till it was safe to retreat.
Plucking and pinching the red berries while I waited.
Eventually the bushes were taken away.

Exposed.
No place to hide anymore.


The building with block walls was where went to to hear about “god.”
Many songs sung about God’s love.
Lots of words concerning Heaven.
Being taught we were the only way to Jesus.


Up and down, back and forth.
Little fingers on those block walls.
Feel the bumps on the block.
Don’t feel the pain.


Inside those walls, good sounding words were spoken.
Inside those walls, hell broke open.
Jesus loves me upstairs.
The devil killing a child’s soul below.


Jesus loves me.


Grown men closing in. Trapped.
Tight grasp. Fierce struggle.
For one so small, I put up a good fight,
Finally breaking loose.
Force flung her against those blocks walls.
Cold, painted, concrete block walls with the tracing lines.
Ugly, painted walls.
Jeering and laughter.
She’s feisty. Too feisty.
Adult men closing in again.
Tight, painful grip.
A handkerchief to the nose and face.
That’ll teach you! Calm you down.
The block walls with tracing lines start spinning.
Blackness.
And pain.
Shuffling noises.
Presence behind me.

Restriction.
When will I ever be free?
Crossed legged on the floor in so much pain.
Ears ringing.
An adult male body blocks the doorway in a big X shape, making sure
We aren’t detected by the wrong person.
Behind him are seen- those block walls.

Dizzy, confused, in so much pain.
Being forced to walk back upstairs alone.


Jesus…loves me?


If no one protects me, there’s only me to do do.

“You’re to strong willed.”
“You’re rebellious.”
“You hate men.”
“You’re a feminist.”
“You’re bitter.”
“You need to forgive or you’ll go to hell.”
“You need to submit.”
“Your will needs broken.”


It all came from behind those “sacred block walls.”
They taught a child less than a whole handful of years old that
An adult male ultimately loved a child through sexual encounters.
Oral sexual encounters.
Any sexual encounters.
Rape.


Up and down. Back and forth. Trying to make sense of it all.


There was no good sense to be made. None.
There was no “God” in all that happened there either. None.
She turned and walked away from hell.
Screaming,begging if there was
A true God, could she please experience Him?


Words from inside those block walls:
No. You’re walking away from truth. You’re headed for hell fire.
No matter what happened to you, God’s will is for you to accept
It and forgive. You’re bitter. You’ve turned on God.
You’re deceived.
Have you forgiven yet?
How do you even give God another chance?
How have you not given Up on it all?
I did. I gave up on their “god.”
That god is a lie.
That god is not real.
That god is the devil himself.
I gave up on the god thrown at me behind those block

Walls. He wasn’t there in “that” at all.
She knows now that Jesus does not abuse.
Neither does He endorse abuse.
The real Jesus doesn’t force her to be mistreated.
I haven’t given up on God.
No.
I’m finally learning Who He really is.
Do they say I’m lost?
Yes.
Do I care? No.
The God I know now set me free from the
Imprisonments of those hellish block walls.
No justice on earth could ever repay what happened inside those block walls.
Some day all will be made known.
Justice is in the hands of the court of higher powers.
I walk free.
Free to find truth.
Free to pursue healing.
No more block walls.
Only freedom. And healing

~ Little Girl ~

No child should ever, ever have to experience this hell in the name of any god. And the True God will never bless the house that overlooks, enables, or protects the perpetrators. Justice is coming, via the One True Advocate.

Little Girl, you are worth so much more. You are cherished. You are precious. Your courage is the hope that every other little girl needs.

Little Girl, you are loved.

As always…
Love,
~ T~

© Trudy Metzger 2024

Sherry Showalter’s story of sexual, emotional and spiritual trauma and healing

Introduction:
The following story was sent to me via Messenger, from the author, whom I had never heard of before. She asked if I might share her story, so I asked if she wanted me to share it on my blo
g. That’s how this post came to be.

As you read her story, parts that bring her comfort may be triggering for you. .

Over the years, victims have shared with me how hard it is to sit in church — sometimes the very building in which they were sexually abused — and listen to ‘the right words’ when they were treated so harshly. Their suffering shamed and disregarded, while their abuser was forgiven and coddled, accepted as godly, and embraced where they were rejected. Some find comfort in church again. Some never do. Both are ok. There are other ways to find fellowship without a designated building.

Many have also shared how triggering it is to hear that God will use our trauma for good. This is particularly traumatic if you are taught that the horrible things that happen to you are somehow ‘God’s will.’ What kind of god ‘wills’ for children to be raped and abused … and then ‘uses it for good’? And what kind of ‘church’ promotes this warped theology?

Children being raped is not the will of any God I would trust. These horrific acts are not his will, nor is the harm survivors suffer. They never were His will. They never will be. It is called ‘spiritual bypassing’ to avoid contending with hard reality and try to explain away harm by spiritualizing trauma and tragedy.

God’s will was that we run around naked in a garden, oblivious to all but relationship and beauty. That was God’s will. He didn’t make evil, death and trauma ‘his will’, just because that’s where we find ourselves. He redeems. He restores. But He doesn’t bring sexual abuse and violence into our lives and call it His will.

His will, to be true to His nature as shown in the bible, must always be redemption, restoration, healing and wholeness. Not the hell of life. That suffering is the tragic aftermath of human sin. And human sin never is God’s will, therefore nor is the aftermath of it. That, or He is not God at all. He cannot be both the Redeemer *and* the one whose will is that we suffer at the hands of sin..

As you read Sherry’s story, remember that ‘bringing good from evil’ doesn’t mean, ever, that the evil was designed by God or ‘God’s will.’ And if you can’t step foot in church because of the trauma and abuse you have suffered, I reckon Jesus will sit with you outside of that building. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

It wasn’t.

~ Trudy ~

*****

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ sexual and spiritual abuse.

I feel like it is time to share a little piece of my story and testimony.

First, I want to say the following:

1) I want to state, that not all plain conservative churches respond to sexual abuse in the way mine was handled. I have since been a part of a conservative group that were NOTHING like how I grew up.

2) This is NOT a poor me, pity me post. This is, however, a post of how God can take the most awful things done to us by those who call themselves Christians, and use it for good. It is about God taking the ugly, the darkness and the lies I’ve been told and replacing it with His Wholeness, His Righteousness and His Truth.

I believe it was the year of 2008.

I was living in the basement of a couple from church. Over time, I came to trust them and open up to them. They gave me a lot of sound biblical advice. They cared. One night I decided it was time I tell them that I had been sexually assaulted. They had promised that they wouldn’t tell anyone. “Well, at least not right now,” he said. I went to bed that night feeling lighter in heart and spirit than I had in a long time. I no longer carried my shame and pain alone. I thought I would finally be able to heal from the trauma. Maybe the future would be okay to face after all. Little did I know the pain, the betrayal and the heart crushing trauma that lay ahead.

The next morning, I was informed, at the breakfast table, that one of the ministers and his wife were coming over any minute to talk to me. I asked him, “you didn’t tell them what I shared did you?” Yes, he said, I did. I felt my heart leave my chest and drop to my stomach with a gut wrenching nausea. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone else about it yet! I used up all the courage I had the night before! They arrived and I had to talk about something I wasn’t ready to share with anyone else at that point. As we talked, I was informed that I would need to make a confession in church because it had happened even after I was a member of the church! I was horrified and tried to tell them it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want it! I plead with them while tears streamed down my face and my whole body shook from the inside out. It didn’t change their minds. They said, by confessing it to the whole church I would find healing and forgiveness.

On the night that the church gathered, I sat there and made a decision. I would wall off another piece of my heart. I would bury it where not even God could find it. Anger boiled inside me as my trauma, shame and ugliness was told to the whole church. I was re-traumatized that night. I felt assaulted all over again in front of the whole church. I felt even dirtier and more shame than before. I walked to the back of the church where I stood as each member came and shook my hand. Most of the members said, “we forgive you.” A few said nothing at all. 5 ladies whispered in my ear, as they pulled me in to embrace me, “I am so sorry this happened to you, or you didn’t deserve this.” (Those 5 ladies will forever have a place in my heart ❤️) But to each person who said “we forgive you” I wanted to punch them and scream at them, “THIS WASNT MY FAULT!” By them saying, we forgive you, they were telling me that it was my fault, that I had some dirty sin that needed to be forgiven! (Or, that is what it felt to me they were saying)

Something happened to me that night that changed me in ways they will never know. Only after much counseling have I been able to heal and forgive them for the pain, trauma, and the spiritual abuse they caused me. After many years I am finally at a place of wholeness enough to share.

A few people who have heard my story have asked, “how are you even still a Christian and go to chruch?” I answer them with a question, “How can I not?” How can I not be a Christian and worship God in a church house? It wasn’t Jesus who failed me or hurt me, it was people.”

Jesus found that piece of my heart that I buried away. He nurtured it, He held it and when I finally let Him, He healed it. He put it back in place. My heart is whole, but it has many scars on it and that is okay, because you want to know something? Jesus has scars too and He bears those scars for me and for you.

To anyone who has experienced this trauma and pain, or any other, you are not alone. I care about your pain. I understand if and why you may not have the courage to set foot in a church right now. And that is okay. Your heart needs time and space to process and heal. I know God will bring to you healing from the darkest of darkness in your heart. One day you will be able to go back to church and realize that it’s okay to be there, it doesn’t hurt anymore because of what Jesus will do in your life.

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭TPT‬‬

I pray with great faith for you, because I’m fully convinced that the One who began this gracious work in you will faithfully continue the process of maturing you until the unveiling of our Lord Jesus Christ.

– Sherry Showarlter –
Bio: Sherry is married with a son who is a miracle. She loves singing, animals, being a mom, gardening, and making food for other people.

****

If you find yourself in a state of trauma and suffering as a result of sexual, spiritual or other abuse, there is support available. Finding a trauma informed counsellor who understands the harm abuse does, and helps you move beyond the harm to healing, is a powerful gift. I’ve heard horror stories of ‘counsellors’ — some licensed, some not — who have escalated the harm through ignorance, or who have no clue how to invite survivors to healing. If you have a counsellor and you are still stuck in the same place 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or — as in one case — almost 20 years later, I might suggest finding a different counsellor. If they urge you not to report or speak of the abuse, run for the hills. If they do not support you in what *you* need for healing, run for the hills. There are sincere and effective counsellors. Don’t give up until you find one, if that is what you need.

Above all, I wish you healing and hope. Life is hard enough with hope, to walk through this suffering with no hope is harder.

As always….

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2024

Haiti: Sex Trafficking? Anabaptist Sex Offender Watch Lists & Pastors Admit to Broad Leadership Corruption

ANABAPTIST SEX OFFENDER WATCH LIST:

This week I’ve thought a lot about how to address the thing of missionaries in our Anabaptist culture going to other countries, and then molesting children there. (Yes, I realize it happens in other cultures too. But I don’t work in those cultures). I don’t know the rates and percentages, but knowing the vast number of offenders who go unchallenged, and unreported, and then hearing the news of Jeriah Mast’s crimes in Haiti, I find no comfort in sending missionaries. No, I don’t think most of our men and women are offenders, but the rates are higher than many admit to. And too many of them are especially interested in ‘doing the Lord’s work’ where they are most sure they won’t be spotted. To allow it to continue seems, at least to me, to be a form of sex trafficking. Since it is almost impossible to get offenders in our culture to stand trial, let alone on a sex offender registry, there is no protection. And if we include leaders who enable and look the other way, even better.

As I hear of counsellors and support people being sent to help those who were victimized by Jeriah, I am concerned that opportunistic child molester will be more than happy to give their time. Such a list would hopefully make every child molester across our Anabaptist churches especially disinterested in mission work, if they knew they were marked going in. And leaders who land on the list as looking the other way would hopefully think twice as well.

As I contemplated this, an idea struck me. If we all work together, we can create a Watch List of our own TO SHARE WITH HAITI GOVERNMENT and other countries, so they can flag potential high risks missionaries. Since the American and Canadian governments leave Anabaptists to more or less deal with their own people’s crimes (ie; Amish Steering Committees, Crisis Intervention Committees etc.), why can’t we also create our own version of the sex offender registry, through an OFFENDER WATCHLIST focusing specifically on child molesters?

Other than law enforcement and government officials, to whom the list would be voluntarily sent, the list would not be available to the public, or anyone outside the team managing it. It would be up to the country to investigate and interrogate the individual upon entering or attempting to enter their country. 

That in mind, I am appealing to every victim out there to send in the name of every person over age *16 who sexually molested you when you were a minor (excluding states/provinces where minors must be protected until age 18). Please include both male and female offenders and send the information to: REPORT ANABAPTIST SEX OFFENDERS, with a subject line of “Anabaptist Sex Offender Watchlist“.

UPDATE: Someone has reached out to suggest we form a team to manage the list. I am reaching out to a medical doctor and several other professionals to seek such support. 

NOTE: Please do not send ‘speculation’ cases. There must be at least one confirmed victim, and the victim(s) must be willing to confirm. Send cases only if you are the victim, or the victims’ immediate family or if the victim has requested you send the info. Only credibly accused will make the list, and the more information that is included, the more credible. Vague, rumour-based accusations with no specific information will not be included. (Church confessions to ‘immoral failure’, in which the deviance is known to be against a child, is not speculation. That’s about as solid evidence as gets produced in our culture).

In the body of the email copy and paste the following and fill in all information, especially what has asterisks:

  1. Name of offender:
  2. Gender of Offender:
  3. *Citizenship of Offender:
  4. Date (or year) of offence:
  5. Offender’s church at time of offence: 
  6. Was the offender a church/ministry leader (YES/NO):
  7. If yes, what was the name of the church/ministry:
  8. * Is offender currently in leadership:
  9. If yes, what church/ministry:
  10. *Age of offender at time of offence: 
  11. *Age of victim at time of offence:
  12. *Offence committed (ie: rape; molestation etc):
  13. *Any confirmed current minor victims (YES/NO):
  14. *State/Province & Country of offence:
  15. Reported to law YES/NO:
  16. Handled by (Church Discipline/Law/Both):
  17. Name of church leader(s) who knew:
  18. Address of church leader (if known):
  19. Approximate age of church leader (DOB if known):
  20. *Name of church:
  21. Address of Church:
  22. *Church Affiliation (Eastern; BMA; Charity etc):
  23. Any additional information that may be helpful:

NOTE: Include ministry leaders (male and female) and counsellors who engage or have engaged in practices of ‘holding’ – whether heads lying on laps, sitting on laps or other physical touch, massaging etc – as these are not safe for working with vulnerable individuals.

Since  leaders who look the other way are as dangerous as the offenders themselves, I have included information on them. We will take the information, create a list and release it to the Haitian government, as well as other countries where missionaries tend to exploit children including Guatemala, Mexico, Romania, Thailand, Cambodia, and any other country that is interested. This will allow them to flag these individuals, and keep them out of their countries.

We will make it clear which cases have been proven guilty by law, which ones were handled by church, and which ones are allegations with neither law or church discipline.

If you know of church leaders or leaders of other ministries who have covered up, or are ‘looking the other way’, please send them through. (The victim should not be named if you are not free to disclose).

All cases involving minors will be reported to the law. The list is available to law enforcement internationally and in the state/country crimes took place.

Emails sent to this address are managed by volunteers, and messages that are not on topic are not guaranteed a response. Hate mail will be deleted. Threats will be forwarded to authorities.

Offenders who would like to report themselves and get support, will be responded to. We have connections with several gentlemen who offended in the past who are willing to help you navigate the process of taking full ownership and walking you through genuine repentance. I am willing to help also, as needed, and support you and these gentlemen in the process.

Together we can stand in the gap and stop the exploitation of children.

Please be aware: I will be sending in the name of every leader (this includes some ASAA leaders) involved in the cover up and dreadful handling last year’s case, related to David Denlinger, and giving access to the evidence I hold of such mishandling. Not one leader, to date, has had the integrity to own their wrongs and the gaslighting. I will not stand by and watch them get sent to other countries until  such a time as that issue is resolved and full ownership taken for the mishandling, gaslighting and leaving the victims unacknowledged to this day.

***

CHURCH LEADER CORRUPTION:

There is a network of people in our Anabaptist communities who are skilled at keeping truth tightly ‘managed’, and sex offenders carefully protected.  They know each other, and they work together. Make of that what you will.

Oh, and some are very ‘nice guys’, so don’t go imagining it’s all the ultra conservative ones. It’s not. Most are the charismatic, people-drawing ones.

In the middle of that, this week pastors and their wives across multiple ‘brands’ of our Anabaptist culture reached out. They are weary. It is a lonely place to serve, and knowing which leaders to trust is difficult, when they feel surrounded by wolves. Yes, they are saying those things. How can they connect with other like-minded leaders who love Jesus and want to serve the people, rather than be dominated by power-mongers?

My dilemma is this, I am happy to be here to support you as leaders in whatever way I can. But the truth is there is only one way to find each other, and that is by you each boldly taking a stand. Some leaders who reached out have already resigned due to corruption. Others see the corruption of power and feel helpless to influence change, having watched how the power was taken.

Church, we have a problem.

This is not the Jesus Way.

Leaders, I urge you to stand against the wolves among us at all cost. Do so wisely and thoughtfully, but do so. Leave, if you cannot walk in truth among them. Confronting them rarely works. (Which does not mean that you should not, but be forewarned that you will be stripped). They will get up on Sunday morning and go into lengthy manipulative speeches about your divisive spirits, about how your are in rebellion and sowing discord. They will shame you and make it look like they love truth.

I have received messages – including audio recorded evidence – from California to Florida, to my little corner of the world, of how such leaders attack their people when you try to confront them. What I’ve stated is not even the tip of that iceberg. They are bullies. They are abusive. They care about image. And they care about themselves and their power.

Church members and attendees, I urge you to be aware. Be discerning. Watch for the signs. And be there for the wounded. These leaders are leaving trails of (spiritual) corpses in their wake. Watch for those ‘corpses’ and don’t by the ‘he’s just divisive’ line. Any time that is used in relation to a wounded person in the care of the leader speaking is a great time to lean in and hear the wounded.  It’s a sign the leader is spiritually abusive.

And if they’re throwing around the Jezebel line.. it’s pretty much a given, that you are dealing with an abuser. I’ve not met one man or woman who flings that term around who isn’t spiritually abusive. It’s a glorified way of demonizing people so they can be dismissed, and especially to silence the voices of godly women. And it’s demonic. It’s certainly not biblical.

***

CLARIFICATION ON BLOG RELEASED JUNE 13, 2019, REGARDING MR. SHANKSTER:

Some of you have asked for clarification regarding the blog in which Simeon Shankster withdrew from CAM. To read the blog click here: Anabaptist Missionary Takes Stand

They partnered together in various ways; he was not part of CAM.

Mr. Shankster is 100% for reporting sex offenders to the law and not interfering with the legal process. Hence, no nonresistant Christian should interfere with legal justice for the offenders, nor should they try to force it. (He does not agree with my advocacy methods. However, he also does not condemn me as a Christian. We come out at a different biblical understanding on this matter. I would not hesitate to work for the government or the law — apart from the fact that I’m lousy at following politics, and am much too independent a thinker to cow-tow to the system – and Mr. Shankster would not believe that is appropriate. I respect his opinion and understanding. And I most certainly respect him as a man of God).

Mr. Shankster believes “We ought to obey God rather than man” and that for Paul Weaver and Eli Weaver to not speak out about their knowledge (since at least 2012) of Jeriah’s crimes, is unbiblical. This is part of the ‘two kingdom’ doctrine he refers to. Ultimately, lawyer or no lawyer, CAM board of directors or no board of directors, he insists these men owe the public the truth. And at least three of us hold hard evidence of truth.

I have responded based on my personal conversation with Simeon. I have spoken as truthfully and accurately as possible, given my understanding of what he said in our conversation. If he sends any corrections, I will update.

If you have any further questions please send them to: Trudy Metzger.

As always…

With love,
~ T ~

 

© Trudy Metzger 2019