The following is one abuse survivor’s story of harm at the hands of advocates. A few years ago, I agreed to share her story here on my blog if she would write it out, in her own words. She has done just that. Now I am keeping my end of the bargain.
Hearing the stories of victims who have been blatantly harmed by advocates, they have told me that often the damage done in the name of ‘help’ leaves survivors more deeply harmed than the initial sexual abuse. The more deeply they trust, the deeper that harm. The more deliberate and selfish that harm, the more devastating to the survivor. Those who try to help and get it wrong, but own it and apologize, survivors say they are able to forgive and move on more easily. But where that harm involves further silencing, shaming, blaming and oppressing the survivor, the betrayal runs deep.
The following is one such story, told in the survivor’s words, not mine. She was the first trauma-survivor to share her advocacy trauma with me, and alert me to the abusive practices of some advocates.
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I have been asked how I can turn against Joanna Yoder (Founder of Never Stand Alone), the person who gave me a place to stay and helped me leave my abusive childhood home. Well, I’m here to answer that. I moved in with Jonas and Joanna at the Age 18.
Yes, Joanna helped me leave my abusive home. I will never deny that, but in a short while that all changed and she became a whole different person. She would attend counselling sessions that were supposed to be for me, and turn them into all about her. She would have panic attacks and yell “I can’t handle this, I can’t handle this!” Afterwards, she would scream and be angry, and then take me back to their home. Then, on occasion, she would leave me (and other girls) at home with her husband Jonas while she went to a hotel for the night.
I was forced to do loads and loads of laundry all alone and it had to be done by the time she got back from work or she would start yelling at me. She also would tell us to not wear certain clothes because of Jonas. At one point I, and other girls who were living with them, were called to the garage for a meeting concerning our clothing. She made us stand in front of her husband Jonas and demonstrate how short our shorts were, and do a twirl in front of him. Using her finger, she showed us how long she wanted our shorts to be.
Why was she worried about Jonas? That is a big red flag.
If tasks were not completed as Joanna expected, when she returned home, she would get livid, and pack her bags and fly out the lane in a mad rush only to come back the same day. (This was all a tactic to manipulate us). She pressured me to share details about my sexual abuse that weren’t her business. She also called the parents of the person who raped me to ask if it’s true. When hearing sexual abuse stories from victims who lived in her home, she turned it into being all about her.
Joanna always wanted her way and if she didn’t get it, she would scream and cry until she got it. She thought that trying to hook us up with guys was fun. If I hung out with a guy, she had to know if we had sex or not and, if I refused to say, she would get mad and be like, “no one loves me” and run to Jonas saying, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this! The girls don’t tell me anything after all I did for them.”
Joanna would trash talk us to her friends, but then to our face the would tell us she loved us like we were her own kids. This felt like rejection, and was confusing. She had to know where we were all the time. After I moved out and was living in a rental house they provided, I was two days late with paying rent. I came back home to find my room totally trashed. Later she admitted she had done this. It was a punishment for not paying rent on time.
We survivors who lived with them, were offered Marijuina, as well as alcohol, by Jonas on multiple occasions. For me, this started soon after I moved in. They gave me alcohol at my 19th Birthday Party.
Soon after I moved in with them, Jonas asked me to call him ‘dad’ instead of Jonas. He would hold survivors living with them on his lap.
After bringing to light that I had been raped by her nephew, Joanna told me that I need to apologize to my abuser’s father. The abuser’s father is Joanna’s brother.
Jonas and Joanna claimed they did not charge us girls rent, but then would make us give them $300 cash with every pay check, twice a month.
All of this is why I chose to step away and speak out. because this is abuse. Joanna needs to find healing before helping victims because all she is doing is creating bigger problems for victims that come to her help!
~ Anonymous ~
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Abuse of any kind does great harm. In the name of advocacy and ‘helping’ survivors more harm is done to individuals already suffering, when advocates are not healed and make victims of trauma their projects, or use their ‘service’ to victims for personal agendas. Whatever those agendas may be. These trauma survivors make themselves exceptionally vulnerable when they trust an advocate with their story and their pain. When that becomes a source of fresh trauma, the betrayal and harm runs deep.
It has been said by survivors of both sexual and emotional abuse, and it is documented in academic papers, that emotional abuse in some cases does more harm than sexual abuse (Dye, 2020). The same is true for spiritual abuse. Advocacy has the potential to support and heal, and it has the potential to do incredible harm when advocates are not first healed, and when they use victims for their own purposes. Doing the hard work of healing first, and being formally educated in trauma are the best gifts an advocate can give themselves. Having done so, they are able to offer support to victims without making it about themselves.
As always…
Love,
~ T ~
© Trudy Metzger
Dye, H.L. Is Emotional Abuse As Harmful as Physical and/or Sexual Abuse?. Journ Child Adol Trauma 13, 399–407 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40653-019-00292-y
https://uihc.org/childrens/news/emotional-abuse-neglect-may-be-more-harmful-long-term-physical-sexual-abuse
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/10/psychological-abuse
A Splash of Love.... 