Relationship

Happy 30th Anniversary, My Love

Splsh4Ripls2 Comments

On this day, 30 years ago, we said “I do,” and the officiating bishop, who had known me much longer than Tim, presented us to our guests as, “Mr. And Mrs. Tim Harder.” We had just started to walk out, but stopped and, in sync, swung around in surprise. The bishop corrected himself, and everyone erupted in laughter.

And so began the adventures of a lifetime.

Tim and I are different as day and night. The following pics illustrate this well. In the first pic we are both smiling and normal. Well, he’s outdoing himself a little for the pic. But you get the idea. In the second we are both being silly. you will note that his silly is less obvious than mine. That’s been life from the start.

Thirty years later, how does a person sum up what it means to do life with someone like Tim? His kindness. His gentleness. His complete acceptance of who I am. So much of my life, outside of this relationship, I have been “too much, too loud, too outspoken, too rebellious, too religious, too liberal, too too much.” With him, I am accepted. I am enough. I am honoured. I am cherished. So, so cherished. I am embraced. I am completely loved and graciously supported.

The past 4.5 years have thrown things at us that have tested every part of who we are individually and as a couple; emotionally, physically and spiritually. But, if it has accomplished anything at all in us, relationally, it has solidified our love even more. When the concussion changed my personality, he leaned in and got to know the new me and my new needs, adjusting to all the changes. Though I welcomed him into every part of my life and heart before the accident, and we made decisions together, I was also fiercely independent by nature, with his blessing. Suddenly I felt lost and uncertain. Before, physical touch was a strong love language and I was very affectionate. He knew me so well that he opened his arms to welcome me in his embrace before I made a move toward him. Somehow he just knew. Suddenly, physical affection wasn’t even on my radar. It didn’t occur to me to hug or kiss him, or to welcome him home. I had to retrain myself, and consciously remind myself of the importance of affection. He stepped out of character — physical touch is not his love language; acts of service is — and helped me learn again, initiating affection for my sake. Where I instinctively spoke encouragement and sincere admiration, I became wordless. He did not let his ego rule or take it personal. He walked gently with me and awakened that part of who I was, never commenting that he noticed. As I processed with my therapist the ways the concussion and the accident had changed me, I realized that it had been a long time since I told him how much I value him. This part of me is awakening again. Before that professional help in processing, it got pretty hard before it got better.

The day I told him that I feel lost in our relationship, but didn’t know how to put into words what it was. I acknowledge how kind he was and how much I appreciate it, but that I feel like nothing is normal and we are so far apart. He assured me his love had not changed; that he loved me just the same, and is in it with me. That began the process of unravelling the losses. When finally I was able to piece together what was happening, he went to the doctor with me to see what we can do. Soon after this is when I got the therapist to help process the accident and the aftermath. As they helped me walk through it, he supported me and learned with me.

As the harm to my spine invaded every part of our marriage, he took on things I can no longer do. When the pain leaves me shivering, and the tension is unbearable, he gets lotion and works out the tension and the knots so I can sleep. Sometimes night after night, and in between. When I cannot move myself in bed because of pain, he moves me. When I cannot walk alone, he takes my arm and supports my shoulder. When I lost much of my vision and especially the peripheral, he warned me when there was a step or elevation change. When we are in a new space, he still does this because I can’t always see (or process) elevation changes or things (like walls) in my peripheral.

Tim is not perfect. But he is perfect for me. Life with him is more than I ever dreamed marriage could be. He rolls with the punches and always holds me so that the punch lands on him.

*****

Tim, my Love,
I am so grateful God brought you into my life. Today, I honour you. And I thank you publicly for loving me so well. Life is hard at the moment, with many limitations, many unexpected changes, losses and expenses. We are not celebrating 30 years the way we hoped and dreamed. Still, I would rather suffer and be with you, than to be pain free anywhere else in the world without you. There is no one I would rather do life with. And there is no one whose life I would rather live than ours.

We have us. We have a loving and beautiful family; our children and grandchildren, and our unofficially adopted children and grandchildren. That is more than many will ever have. More than pain-free living can offer. Sometimes I lose sight of that when pain is at its worst and it all feels too hard. But I always come home to that truth. My heart is yours. Always. And in all ways.

Thank you for being my safe place.

Thank you to all who celebrated our wedding day with us 30 years ago. A special thank you to Florence Sauder who stepped into a ‘mom’/wedding organizer’ role and coordinated most of the wedding for us. We couldn’t have done it without you. (My event planning skills had not yet been discovered). And to all who have walked with us and supported, counselled and challenged us on the way, helping us to be the best that we can be.

As always…
Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2024

Valentine’s Day; Christian Singles & Sex Drives after Molestation

Splsh4Ripls

[Trigger warning]

Romance. The word practically dances out of your mouth, when you say it, like a sweet lover’s invitation. The definition of it makes hearts skip beats. Heads spin. Reason and common sense all but disappear in the wind, when it strikes. And it does. Out of the clear blue sky, sometimes, when we least expect it, that little ‘rush’ that makes us crazy about someone, and all we want is to be with them….

So we’ve set aside this day, February 14, as a time to celebrate love and romance. A time to acknowledge our significant other, and show them how much we love and appreciate them. And that’s all good, in and of itself.

But for the singles–whether never married, divorced or widowed–Valentine’s Day is yet another reminder of the segregation they often feel. (For this post I will focus on the unmarried who have been molested.) I think of it more the past few years because I have the honour of sitting with singles each week listening to their hearts, their stories, and their dreams. And the one dream many, if not most, express is the desire for marriage and companionship. Rightfully so. Who wants to be lonely?

As we work together through the pain of past abuses, or current ones, we unravel many beliefs victims hold about themselves, about God, about the opposite gender and about sexuality and marriage. Almost always, if not always, there is guilt about the whole thing of desiring marriage. And, in particular, the desire for intimacy and love. Sexual love.

I’m not of the ‘free for all’ mindset, where you grab a lover for the day, to feel good about yourself. If that’s you, it isn’t my business, but the people I work with are trying to wait until marriage, and that is what I encourage, so I write unapologetically from that perspective. My reasons are not to be a party pooper, but honouring God’s plan as well as personal awareness of damage done emotionally and psychologically with multiple partners. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

In sitting with Christian young adults and working through difficult past stories, or current struggles, at some point I usually ask if they desire marriage–because not all do, believe it or not, but if they do I want to bless that desire and pray with them. Answers range from enthusiastic affirmative responses (though rarely) to a cautious, “Yeah… Is that okay?”

Keep in mind that I spend pretty much 7 days a week talking about sexuality, in one form or another, with a broad range of people. From clients, to bishops or preachers and their wives, to police officers and (more occasionally) medical professionals, to grandmas and grandpas, this is my world. Inevitably in talking through abuses of sex, the topic of healthy sexuality comes up and with it the many forms of sex. (One pastor’s wife asked me, “If you talk about it all the time, don’t you think about it constantly and want to have sex? Because I sure would!” Umm… ask a chocolate maker how much they crave chocolate every time they see it. Without crossing the lines to ‘TMI’, let me just say that when it is part of every day conversation, the only thing that makes me desire it is being with my beloved. So, no, talking about it doesn’t do that.) So when the topic of marriage comes up, the topic of sex is already on the table, and becomes part of the discussion.

When I ask if they desire marriage, some logically process what that would mean and conclude they wouldn’t be happy in marriage; it would be too restricting when there are so many dreams they want to fulfill and the odds being low of a marriage partner wanting to be part of that. For the majority, apart from the few who enthusiastically desire marriage and declare it boldly and without apology, we explore the cautious admission that they long for marriage.

The caution is, admittedly, due to the vulnerability of acknowledging the desire for a relationship that offers companionship, commitment, shared dreams and sexual intimacy. All of those are good, and seem good, except the desire for sexual intimacy. For some reason, in the world of Christianity, we’ve communicated the message that a desire for sexual intimacy is perverse or inappropriate, when the person desiring that intimacy is unmarried. And that’s true even if they don’t want to go there before marriage.

This seems wrong to me. In every way. Sex is a beautiful gift of intimacy between husband and wife, and to desire that intimacy should be blessed, along with a blessing on the desire to wait. We present this immaculate ‘don’t need sex and certainly don’t desire it because I’m not married’ image that is entirely unrealistic. Even Christian singles desire sex. Trust me. You’re not alone, if you are a Christian trying to wait for marriage to experience sexual intimacy, and yet have a powerful sex drive. It’s normal. It’s how God created you. And it’s beautiful and good. When God finished creating mankind, He said, “It is very good”. That includes your sexuality and your desires. We have this infatuated notion that marriage is about sex, and once we have the freedom to enjoy that intimacy without guilt or shame, knowing we are committed to that person and they committed to us, then all will be right in our world and our sexuality will be blessed by God. But it is already blessed, as a single who struggles with it and desires a marriage partner. The key is to master those drives, and bring them under God’s design, and take authority over them, rather than to be driven and mastered by the desires. I explain this to every client who struggles with sexuality.

When sharing these struggles, it is common to hear an exasperated and defeated, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” And the first time I say, “Nothing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your desires are blessed by God,” they look stunned. By the time I’ve explained why it is good, most readily accept it as God’s truth–because I pull it straight out of the Bible–while others need time. I also explain how, through abuse and molestation, their sexuality was prematurely awakened and they have had, usually from a very young age, knowledge of sexuality that they shouldn’t have need to know.

When singles have, since childhood, offered sexual services–oral sex, anal sex, masturbation and much more–for teens and adults (often in church), and then suddenly try to shut down that sexuality, often harshly judged by their churches for the struggles, all while the molester is overlooked, there are serious battles to fight through. When the people they ‘serviced’ show up at church happily married and have that intimacy, often never confronted by their crimes, and the victims are left to struggle with the memories and aftermath, things feel pretty dark, pretty fast.

The one gift we can offer these victims–and it’s the least we can do–is affirming their sexuality and desires, and bless what their desires were created for; a committed, God-blessed relationship. In doing this we remove the shame unnecessarily imposed on them by sins committed against them. We bless who they are, as image bearers of our Creator. And thereby we bless God, standing in agreement with Him in saying that His design is very good.

So, today, if you are single, lonely and struggling with the heavy romance focus that is Valentine’s Day, I want to acknowledge and bless you. I bless you as a child of God, with human desires for sexual intimacy, and bless you in your struggle to master that desire. And where your sexuality was prematurely awakened, intensifying those desires and making it difficult, you need to know you are not alone, and it doesn’t make you perverted or ‘sick’. Where you are overtaken and a slave to that sexuality and long for freedom, there is help available; you don’t have to stay entrapped. God sees beyond the struggle and sees you. He sees your humanity, and it draws compassion from Him. (Psalm 103:13-14) He loves you and delights in you, and welcomes you into His presence. You are not ‘less than’, you are not unworthy. Your desires for love and intimacy are God-given, and my prayer is that God will meet your needs and grant you the desires of your heart.

 

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger

 

The Loneliness of Sexual Victimization: Am I the only one?

Splsh4Ripls5 Comments

canstockphoto27073850 (2)

The perception that abuse doesn’t happen in Christian or religious circles is a setup for one of the most hopeless and agonizing sufferings; isolation. As if the hopelessness of believing there is no way out, no way through isn’t enough, this loneliness pushes us to the edge of survival and sanity. And, having survived that desire to die–for those of us who do survive–many of us shut down every emotion and live without feeling, without passion and without purpose to avoid ever standing on that cliff again.

God has so much more for us all! He stepped into time and death, to walk with us and enter into our pain and suffering. He cried out on that gruesome cross, “My God, My God! Why have you forsaken Me?” He understood our loneliness; that heart-rending ache that screams silently against our pain, longing to be understood. Or at least not to be left so alone.

Representing God with most incredible grace, love and compassion, one couple stepped into my messy world twenty-six years ago. No one had ever dared to touch the unclean thing done against me. I was the only one who had suffered it, I thought. Our family was the only family so messed up and broken. Of this I was certain.

And then the couple dared to enter in… With time I learned that they had helped others, and that their ‘learning’ had come from walking with their own daughter. Their love, apart from any wisdom they shared–and there was that–along with the understanding and listening ear, gave me hope and carried me through the first two years of the most painful part of my life. And it taught me how to care for others.

It’s quite uncomplicated, really. Step into the darkness of a wounded heart, offer a listening ear without any judgment for the struggle, and encourage the victim. Speak life, if you speak at all. Let them know they are not alone. Keep healthy boundaries, because a lack of them will simply add to the victim’s pain, and set you both up for a hard fall. Don’t try to rescue. Don’t be the hero. Simply care.

I do this in the context of faith, and in that context I turn the hearts of victims to their Heavenly Father in relationship. He loves them. He cares for them. He can handle their struggle. And mostly I do this without words, by trying my best to exemplify it. Sometimes I say it for added impact.

My faith in my Heavenly Father, my trust in His unconditional love, and the wonder that He–the Holy One, God, the Creator of the Universe–would dare to get His hands bloody and feet dirty to heal my suffering… That reality has healed my heart, above all. And for that reason I share it.

Ultimately it is relationship without condemnation that draws victims to the Father’s heart in trust. And that is something we all can offer, if we dare. It is something Jesus calls us to offer, because He called us to walk in His footsteps. And the Jesus kind of unconditional Love always heals the wounded heart.

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger