2020: Trusting God in the unknowns

Christmas 2018 our youngest gave me a coffee mug with ‘Kindness’ written on it. I hadn’t chosen a ‘word of the year’ for 2019 yet. By New Year’s Day I did, though I honestly don’t remember what it was without digging back. 

Partway through the year I realized how often in 2019 I would find myself thinking or saying, “God is kind. Always. So very kind.” In the hell and the hard times, when my heart was enveloped by loss and sorrow, that awareness would settle deep in my spirit, no matter what I was feeling. In the good times feeling.

When dealing with abuse and abusers, my prayer was, “Help me to be kind.” Exposing corruption is not seen as kind. But it is. When there is no hate or animosity, exposing evil is one of the kindest things we can do. It gives offenders opportunity to get help and take ownership, and it gives victims permission to speak and heal.

Before the year was over, I’d look at that mug on my shelf and know that my word for 2019 was “Kindness”, or “Kind”.

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It’s 2020. I’ve not really looked for a word for the year. God brings themes into my life without me choosing a word, as He does for others. Yet I find myself looking ahead into the unknowns, and without searching for it ‘Trust’ appears.

In many ways I do already trust God. I trust Him deeply. But. truth be told, the thought of Trust being my word for 2020 disarms me a bit. I really don’t want to have to learn too much more trust. Usually that word is associated with loss and hard times.

I’d much rather choose Vision, like so many others, whether in humour or sincerity. Vision sounds so noble and un-suffering. It sounds so ‘together’… leading to growth and success.

But Trust it is.

I’m returning to university in spite of ongoing concussion-like symptoms. (In fact, only a few weeks ago my doctor stated that she is certain I sustained a concussion when I was rear-ended August 1st.  Somehow, in spite of that, I need to complete my last term of university courses. And then I need to prepare for comprehensives. That takes trust.

I have a brother fighting pancreatic cancer. We pray for miracles.Watching him suffer is heartbreaking. In spite of our prayers, we don’t know what lies ahead. That takes trust. Believing God knows best, that especially takes trust. That trust requires a willingness to suffer, to lose, to grieve, to be deeply wounded.

There are other unknowns…. Other uncertainties…

So, ‘Trust’ it is….

Praying that, in 2020, God meets you in your story in ways that undeniably show you His incredible love for you! That love is what makes trust possible for me. No matter what, I always know He loves me. And nothing can take that away from me.

As always…

Love,
Trudy

© Trudy Metzger 2020

 

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SURVEY: For those interested, we only need 50 more responses to the survey on Conservative Anabaptist (CA) Leaders’ Response to Abuse before analyzing the data. (The goal is 200 respondents for richer data). If you have been sexually abused and interacted with a CA leader regarding the abuse, this survey is for you. I am preparing several other surveys and will release them on our SURVEYS PAGE.

 

 

 

 

 

When Victims Can’t Pray, Read the Bible or Trust God

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and particularly those who were violated in Christian settings, often struggle to trust God. Inevitably this plays into their ability to pray or read the Bible, or even receive biblical truth in the form of someone else quoting the Bible. And understandably so.

My goal when working with people, is to show them–in word and in action–that God is a relational God. Twenty minutes of prayer and an hour of Bible reading, as a religious duty, mean nothing apart from relationship.  Oh sure, it can be presented as ‘discipline’, but what is discipline in religious duty, apart from the kindness of relationship? I’m not interested in it. I can practice discipline in any one of countless other areas, if it is discipline I want to prove.

In learning to pray, I encourage conversational prayer. All the ‘Thee, Thou and Thine’ in the world, doesn’t reach or touch the heart of God, if it is spoken in religious distance. God is a near God. He is present. He is tender. He is a Papa, who wants to hear about our innermost thoughts, and our mundane things. He is like a good daddy or mama, who delights in hearing a child’s excited account of a day at the park, playing with Lego, or listens tenderly to the tears in recounting how the kitty got hit by a car. He’s not looking for deeply religious words that sound pious in right to the masses trapped in performance, but the real and genuine things of the heart–both good and bad. That’s prayer. And when we ‘chatter’ to God at that level, moment by moment, the religious performance takes on the scent of dead flesh, while conversation becomes the thing that breathes life into our soul.

When it comes to reading the Bible, one cause of struggle is the lack of understanding of God’s message, and the way truth has often been misrepresented. The voice of condemnation often associated with the Bible is tragically warped. God’s message, in every word, every story, every line is love. Humans didn’t do it well, always, that is a reality. But God’s message remains, consistently, a message of love.

And the matter of presenting it as condemnation is a thing of humanistic desire for control over another, which is demonic at best. God never granted one of us the right or responsibility to manipulate or control the mind of another. We do it out of fear, to the detriment of those struggling, and to comfort our own minds; we have done our duty, and hopefully the individuals will head our warnings for their ‘good’.

The damaging effect of this serves to drive people farther from the heart of God, and deeper into sin and guilt, rather than drawing them to grace, to repentance and to hope. The impact is devastating.

An individual struggling with pornography or sexual immorality, as a result of sexual awakening that started him or her down that path, hardly needs us to quote a Bible verse or two about immorality and hell, in hopes it will scare them onto the straight and narrow. They need us to walk with them through the pain, the confusion and the trauma, to bring the love and grace of Jesus to that deep wound. Even Jesus, the Holy One, did not come to condemn but to offer life. Who are we, in our religious sinfulness and utter humanity, to offer any condemnation at all? I have never seen a life changed for the good through that approach. I have, however, witnessed life after life, transformed by Love, and addictions broken.

And then this whole thing of ‘God the Father’…. That’s a painful one for many. God. That fearful word applied to this Cosmic Being who wields power over us, and who has been misrepresented by fathers, brothers, preacher, bishops, pastors, uncles. To overcome such association is no small thing. And to walk a wounded heart through that pain is a thing of time, patience and the constant reminder that “He can handle this struggle… He is not put off by your fear… He doesn’t judge you or push you away for it…” and then to show the heart of the Father in love, compassion and caring for their hearts.

Many things have contributed to my healing, but not one more so than discovering the heart of my Heavenly Father–my Papa; Abba Father–for me. It was a moment of revelation that brought tears and warmed my heart when it realized, “God likes me.” I understood well that He loves me. What would drive a man–even a God-man– to a cross, to die for a sinner like me, if it were not for love? Yes, that love was an undeniable thing. But in my woundedness I believed I was unlikable, even by other humans. Even with Tim in our earlier years, I knew I was loved, but at times my mind doubted that he liked me. How could he? I was too scarred. My emotional ups and downs too ‘ugly’.

But little by little, I discovered that Tim likes me; he delights in me and enjoys spending time with me. I make him laugh. I bring him joy and pleasure, just by being me. And that same discovery with God transformed my life. It was a specific moment in time, that the awareness consciously struck me, “God likes me”. And in that moment my spirit danced and my heart laughed. To think that the God of Heaven, the Creator of the Universe, likes me…

I no longer define God based on who my earthly father–or any other spiritual figure in my life–was or is. God was not made in their image; they were made in God’s image, and failed in their representation of Him. I do not need to fear Him, based on who they were, or what they did.

God, the Highest Being, the Creator offers me His identity, invites me into conversation, and into relationship. That is Amazing Love. It is healing grace…

And that is why my hope, when working with survivors of abuse, is to always lead them gently to the Father’s heart. To offer anything less would be a grave injustice, when healing ultimately comes from Him, at that deep spirit level.

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger