Supporting Survivors & Offenders… And Former offender shares his story

Tomorrow and Friday, November 28-29, we are doing a training here in Elmira, Ontario. Thursday’s focus is on supporting survivors of abuse well, and Friday is supporting offenders responsibly.

This will be the third time we’ve had a former offender coming for an interview to share parts of his story in an interview on the second day. Both previous times the feedback was very positive, with attendees saying it is helpful to hear from someone who offended who takes full ownership, especially sex abuse victims.

Even so, please be aware that for some survivors this can be triggering. We do not recommend you register if that is your situation. 

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While survivors of sexual abuse are welcome, we do not advertise this training as being for survivors. It can be hard for survivors to hear behavioural symptoms of abuse talked about in a more clinical matter of fact way. By this I mean that conferences are designed to support the abused, and acknowledge their suffering, and we speak gently to the victims. Training, on the other hand, addresses some of the pitfalls and risks associated with helping victims, and negative behaviours victims exhibit. One example is the manipulation that many victims adopt to survive, and how this can become a dysfunctional part of the mentor/mentee relationship. We discuss how to manage those well when supporting survivors, and in such a way that it does not damage both parties.

Though the gentleman makes no excuses for his choices — he owns those — it can still be triggering for survivors to hear someone who has offended share their backstory.  In the interview I ask him about his childhood, and how it shaped him, because early life experience inevitably influences us, our identity (or perception of ourselves — not our true identity), and the trajectory of our life. As part of his sharing, we will talk about extreme sexual addictions and his journey to facing those addictions and taking ownership.

The more we understand this, the more we can work toward both prevention and healing. Is there a place for those who have offended in the Kingdom of God? How do help them responsibly? What can we do to help those who have offended without compromising the wellbeing of victims and the vulnerable? We will talk about offenders’ needs — accountability, consequences (different from ‘punishment’, though church and legal consequences can be part of that), and community of support. 

Training days are typically attended by a small group — 15 to 20 individuals is common — which is great for discussion and interaction. If you prefer smaller groups with vibrant Q&A discussions, and opportunity to contribute, this is a great event to attend.

To ensure there are no surprises for survivors who consider attending, the former offender plans to serve lunch both days.  However, he will only be in sessions on Thursday. 

To register: Generations Unleashed Events

Hope to see you there!

As always…

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger 2019

Generous Love, Defined Boundaries & Lines in the Sand

To love without discrimination is to love generously. To love without boundaries lacks wisdom and discernment; it is not in the best interest of the giver or the recipient. To love generously, with healthy boundaries is to love wisely and to love well, in the best interest of everyone. Even Jesus exemplified love with boundaries, driving some out of the temple, when they perverted His Father’s house. It was not the same ‘presentation’ of love He offered the 10 lepers. Both were love.

In situations of molestation in religious settings I see, repeatedly, this lack of discernment at play. Parents and leaders of victims extend forgiveness most lavishly–as though it is somehow theirs to give–and then open the doors wide for the offender to remain part of their lives. This is done without boundaries or accountability, subjecting victims to unnecessary trauma, and other family and church members to huge risk. Sometimes even resulting in repeated victimizations.

This behaviour reveals the ignorance surrounding sexual violence. Few crimes with the potential to forever alter the mind, identity and life of the victim, could be committed where those responsible for protecting and caring for that victim would knowingly subject their children to risk of re-victimization.

When someone murders or attempts to murder  a family member, the murderer is not invited to come and go freely and unsupervised. Oddly, with a crime that has the potential to make the mind go mad from trauma, the same discernment is often not applied, and victims are forced to face their offenders with no regard to either risk or trauma.

And the same individuals who will cry out against alcohol, after a loved one is hit by a drunk driver and in a coma, or worse–dead–speak with casual distance when a victim of molestation lives in emotional, psychological or spiritual coma. And unlike the grief displayed for the crash victim, where prayers are offered and all steps are taken to give that individual the best care possible, the victim of molestation is told to snap out of it, get over it and move on. Or maybe “it was so long ago…” All this to “love” the offender and extend grace.

It is necessary in the life of the believer to love generously. But love cannot be defined by ‘equal rights’ for offenders as fo victims; for criminals as for children. To neatly fold love and pack it in a well-labelled and narrow box, is not love. It is an agenda.

To love well, is to love in the best interest of all, particularly those whom God has placed in our direct care. Not selfishly, but graciously. And  that love includes drawing a line in the sand, when it comes to protecting the innocent ones, and setting up firm boundaries that come with cost and consequence to the offender(s) and criminal(s), not to the victims.

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Yes, love acts in the best interest of all. And if boundaries prevent the offender(s) from re-victimizing former victims, or finding new ones, then those boundaries are love, and that love is a gift we should not withhold.

Love,
~ T ~

© Trudy Metzger