This Heavy Millstone

I finally understand the reason many victims choose silence. And those good-hearted souls who would wish to fight on behalf of victims, whether pastors or others. To do anything at all requires unmatched strength and resilience. I am not one to shy away from standing for truth–whether my perception of that truth is accurate or not–but this standing up for victims has required more of a steeled commitment, denying the fears of my heart, than any other thing.

For years (I confess) I have thought critically of those who don’t fight, don’t take a stand. Not the victims, but those who know the truth, or at least an element of it, and do nothing as people are victimized. Especially those who set out, and turn back, suddenly, to silence. I’ve thought especially critically of them.

As of two days ago, I understand. As I tackled the Prairie Bible Institute Abuse Allegations, I discovered a side of standing against abuse I had not previously encountered.

Having connections to some of the victims I felt I needed to show my support for the hell they’ve been through, and write about it. In ‘doing my homework’ and background research I came across names of people recognized. Names I have respected for years. I cannot say that they are guilty of cover up, as I have not yet spoken directly to them and, since they are not listed as involved, I hope (and assume) they would stand for truth. Still, it did something to my heart that I was not prepared for.

I saw this whole thing of standing up for victims, breaking the silence and fighting against the victimization of innocent children from a much harsher perspective. It forced me to contemplate a few questions I had never before considered.

What if I had to stand ‘nose to nose’, if you please, with someone I love dearly, in order to fight for the protection of a child? What if the person or persons covering abuse were those closest to me? What if it meant going through the kind of trauma some of the victims in abuse cases go through, just to be heard? What if I was attacked the way some are? Would I still be willing?

This contemplating is what led me to write yesterday’s post, Allegory of the Silent Woods. That feeling of ‘aloneness’. The uncertainty of the cost. The awareness that one day, I may have to choose between truth and relationships.

I needed to come to that place of commitment that say, ‘If it costs me all that I am and have, I will stand for truth. Not blindly for my perception of it, but with an open heart to hear both sides. A commitment to find truth. And never to abandon a victim, or stop believing their story.’

I understand what it is to be the victim. To be misunderstood. To not be believed. To have a life so scarred and messed up by my own bad choices, later in my teens, that I would not have been considered credible.

I also understand the hell that propels victims down that road. The very victimization that pushes many victims into dark lifestyles, is the victimization they are no long ‘credible’ to testify against. Irony that supersedes all ironies. And a sure defence for many a perpetrator.

I know what it is like to be the victim, and the healing and freedom that is there when someone dares to reach out. Knowing this, because of my own freedom, I asked the hard questions. And when I had asked them all, I made a vow to follow the call of God, no matter the price.

Yes, that level of commitment frightens me. But only enough to make me more determined. As long as God gives me breath, as long as He says, ‘Go’, I will go.

Jesus said:

Matthew 18:6

King James Version (KJV)

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

I cannot help but wonder, how many Christians–leaders in particular–carry millstones about their necks. How many need to repent for apathetic, wilful blindness? Or covering their ears to the cries of the children being raped, abused, violated, while the perpetrators indulge in sexual pleasures.

 

I dare you to picture it just long enough to motivate you to action… the weeping of a child and the lust of an adult…. An adult who often blocks the memory, or denies it. A child who grows up to struggle sexually, to struggle with identity and suicidal tendencies…. A child who thinks he or she is worth nothing more, and seeks out abuse.

I hear it from the people I meet. They say it, just like that, many of them. I listen. I care. I pray. And then I give it to Jesus, because it is more than any human can carry.

I understand why some turn back. Why they are silent. It’s easier to block the harsh reality, than to face it, head on. But the easy way never changed the world. Never did a positive thing in revolutionizing that which is wrong in the world.  Most importantly, I know this. Jesus would not stand silently by.

What will you do with the truth?

© Trudy Metzger

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