Why I Stopped Blogging Regularly & Attending “Church” Religously…

When the heart stops ‘feeling’ the truths God has promised,
faith stands in the gap for our feelings, giving us the courage to believe what we cannot see.

One day, the heart feels again, but it is faith, not feeling that carries us, even then.

In January 2013 I stopped ‘feeling’ much of what I know and trust about God, and I have continued, and will continue, to declare the truth that I know. I am so thankful for the authority and power of faith.


I received a few messages, recently, asking why I haven’t blogged much, and declaring how they miss reading them.  First of all, “That’s very kind. Thank you.” Secondly… I have been writing. I have nearly 100 blogs written, but I have not posted them.

Why, you ask? That is not an easy question to answer. A few of the blog posts are raw pain. That’s all they are. Several are all-out vent sessions, like the emails that you wisely never send, and serve only to offer therapeutic release for you. Others are revelations that I felt were not ready to be shared. Not new revelations, or anything, but old truth–things I rediscovered in Word of God. But mostly I didn’t share my writings because I wasn’t at peace with it, for reasons I cannot fully explain. The few I posted, were ones I felt peace about. And when I am not at peace about posting, I won’t do it. I intend never to be a slave to blogging, and this season of my life, that’s all it would have been, had I forced it.

It has been a heavy season in my life. ‘Heavy’ in the sense of carrying dead weight around, spiritually.  It began in January 2013. I managed to stay focused on God, for the most part, in spite of the heaviness. Throughout that year, in ministry, I faced intense spiritual battles with clients, and writing was both my outlet and part of ministry.

Telling the stories victims wanted me to tell, and breaking the silence surrounding sexual abuse in the church, is the single most dangerous thing I have done, spiritually. And I went in with naive faith and trust, having no concept of what that would mean, no concept of the cost. I reached out to several people, when I felt myself starting to drown, but neither they nor I recognized the extent of danger I was in. One foot in front of the other, I pressed forward, always able to keep my eyes focused on the One who called me, and presenting Him as the healer and restorer, when sitting with victims of abuse, or those struggling spiritually. I had nothing to give, of myself, but I knew with confidence that I could lead them to God for healing.

Admittedly, at times it felt as though my lips were parched, and I was dying of thirst, even while I held the cup for others more wounded than I, who had thirsted longer. And watching them come to life somehow quenched my own thirst. Somehow–even though there are areas I have long struggled to trust God, in practical ways–I trust Him without reserve, to heal and restore the broken-hearted. And that is the place where I stood in the gap for many wounded.

As is inevitable, when exposing darkness, the attacks and lies began, and ‘my people’, whom I trusted and believed to be born again believers, started to spread blatant, bold lies. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I knew about the sexual abuse hidden, but I truly believed it was a matter of ignorance–a lack of awareness of the problem, among leaders–and when they knew, I was certain they would rise up as godly men, and fight for victims, and offer help to perpetrators. Instead, I watched as perpetrators were protected, victims further abused, and lies spread to discredit my ministry.

The shock of this climaxed in early January 2014, exactly one year after the intense heaviness began, and I found myself in a state of spiritual shock, struggling to accept that Christians do these things, yet believing that Jesus is enough… enough for me, in my woundedness… enough for them for lying.

Even so, I continued to meet with victims, and offered them hope that can only come from Jesus. I was honest about my own struggles, and shared with them the hope that Jesus  is even in a dark place.  When I had nothing else to hold on to, I would say, “I know that He loves me, and that is enough”. When I could not pray, I could still whisper ‘Thank you for loving me… thank you for dying for me… thank you for having my back.’ And always He would come alive in me, sitting across from the broken, and prayer would rise from within my own broken place, offering Jesus to the people in front of me.

The final blow, overlapping with this shock, came in the form of a letter. I felt, in ways, as if I was ‘gasping for air’, when a letter arrived in the mail. Handwritten, I opened it eagerly. Until that day all handwritten letters had been encouragement notes, offering prayer and pointing my heart to the Father. It was what I expected and, quite frankly, longed for–some small sign that God had not forgotten me, that He saw my shock, and wanted to reassure me.  Yes, the letters and notes I received also carried challenges when a friend felt I was getting sidetracked, but challenges offered with love and care; always they drew my heart to God.

But that day the letter held harsh criticism, attacking my character, offering accusations about a case I was involved in–the one where I supposedly posed as a cleaning girl and lied to get in the door, and then stomped my feet and yelled at the perpetrator. The author of it attacked me, not having taken time to meet with me to ask any questions. Coincidentally–or predictably–it was a relative by marriage of the alleged perpetrator. I understood the defenses. They are characteristic of those who have an agenda to hide abuse and corruption, those who cannot come to terms with their own circumstance. But it was from someone I had known for years. Someone I respected. Someone with whom I shared a church pew. That day a part of my heart died.

In the weeks that followed, we continued attending the church we were trying to make our own, to be  ‘our family’. But we were not plugged in enough–being relatively new–and the aloneness of ministry, and this attacks from within, created a deep loneliness. Church became depressing, and draining, rather than life-giving. Having said that, the worship leader and his wife, the Lead Pastor, and, most of all, the wife of the Associate Pastor, offered a kindness and friendship that drew us in.

When another case in a sister church escalated , a few months later, and I was perceived to have been involved, even though I had nothing to do with it–though I would gladly have owned it, had I been involved–more resistance and attacks trickled our way.  It was then that we realized that with the ministry of working with sexual abuse in the church,  we didn’t stand a chance fitting making church our home, anytime soon, and, for the most part, support for ministry would need to come from outside of church.

Ironically, one ‘hate’ letter from someone in my cultural background, calling me a BEAST, among other things, finally broke the power the lies. The evil in that letter exposed the darkness from which the attacks came, as all ‘niceness’ was stripped, and I was finally able to see the attacks came from a place of pain and denial, and a lot of fear. Until that moment I struggled to call the attacks what they were, and tried to believe that most of the attacks were misunderstandings of well-intentioned people. Reading the harshest version of attacks, all in the name of God, exposed the darkness behind all of it, and I was finally able to make peace with the attacks. I can handle persecution from those resisting truth–even in God’s name–but attacks from the Body of Christ I cannot reconcile.

Now, months later, having taken a step back from Western ‘church’ culture, and removing ‘the noise’ of it, my heart has finally come to life again. The heaviness has lifted, and God is able to touch my heart again, and worship again rises from my spirit in a way it hasn’t in a long time.  We have continued to fellowship with believers–for those who might fear we are sinning in not ‘gathering with believers–we’re just not doing it regularly in the context of lining pews, and consistently listening to structured church services, at a specific time of day, each Sunday.

In the last few months, the greatest encouragement has been, not only seeing people break free from past pain and addictions as they begin to understand their position in with God through Christ, but hearing testimonies of the ripple effects of the ministry we did in the Mennonite community. When people break free from addictions, sexual sin, homosexuality, and move into a place of freedom, it makes the ‘hell’ of the past two years seem small, and it is humbling to think that God uses us, so broken and human, to bring the love of Jesus and hope to those who are hurting and struggling. It is amazing to me that, even though I was struggling to come to terms with my own pain, and the shock of what we encountered in church–attacks we might have expected from enemies of the cross–that God still worked, as only He can.

So, why have I not been writing? That is the long answer. I needed time to process, to regroup, to make peace with what I have experienced in ‘church’,  the attacks that have come from within, and most of all I needed time to refocus my heart before God. The past two years have showed me that, even though I have forgiven the church of my youth, I carry deep scars and wounds that, when ripped open, cause intense pain. I don’t trust church.  I don’t trust system. Even less now than I did two years ago. But, thanks to a few incredible men and women of God, I have learned to trust the hearts of more leaders than I have ever trusted before. I could have mentioned many, including several conservative Mennonite leaders. For this to be the end result in one of the most difficult ‘church’ experiences of my life, is astounding. There is a wonder and a grace in this for which I have no words.

In spite of those wounds and scars, in spite of the hate mail and attacks, in spite of my inability to fit in–and knowing the attacks will continue–I want to learn to trust. I want to connect with a church family. (I didn’t think I’d ever say that again.) I even want to learn to trust church leaders, and let them fail, be human, and I want to pray for them and forgive them in the way I wish to be forgiven when I fail. I want to fight for the Body of Christ–His bride–and partner with her, for the sake of God’s Kingdom. I am committed to continuing in ministry, because I believe it is not our perfection, or our ‘togetherness’ that offers anything meaningful. It is Jesus flowing through our brokenness, spilling out in love, that transforms lives. I’ve never stopped believing that, even in my lowest of lows. He is my hope. Besides my love, encouragement, and some practical resources, He is all I have to offer victims, and He is more than enough.


Thank you to friends, mentors, pastors and leaders who have spoken into my life this past year, taking time to meet with me in my ‘darkness’, or speaking truth during ‘random’ encounters. Special thanks to  my faithful friends who have let me say, without judging me, things I could not say to everyone, but needed to get out of my spirit. Thank you to the many online ‘warriors’ who have fought tirelessly for me, through prayer. You are too many to mention, and some I would not mention because you are also clients, but each of you offered me hope at a time when I felt little hope in the Body of Christ, and had only my faith in Jesus to cling to, the support of my husband and family. Finally, thank you to my husband, Tim, who has loved me faithfully, lifting my weary heart in prayer when it was crushed, and holding me when sobs of grief racked my body. I am grateful for each of you, and pray God’s blessings over you.

If God hands out stars for positively impacting another soul, you will each carry a star for me.


© Trudy Metzger

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13 thoughts on “Why I Stopped Blogging Regularly & Attending “Church” Religously…

  1. hisprincess60 December 6, 2014 / 1:20 am

    Wow!!! There was so much in here I could identify with in my own way! Thanks this time and before sharing your story so I know I’m not alone… Thank you for weaving in and through the pain the redemption story that is unfolding!! I love you and am so glad God caused our lives to cross even though it hasn’t been face to face!! Blessings on you in your journey!!

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:46 am

      It is so important to know we are not alone! We fight the battle together, and sometimes for each other. Thank you for fighting for me, and letting me know from time to time. And for the encouragement you are and have been. It’s been a joy and a blessing to know you and I hope one day to meet in person.

  2. Hope Anne D December 6, 2014 / 1:50 am

    I have many things I could say . . . many things I long to say. Suffice it to say that I long ago learned the horrible spiritual fight when we seek to expose the evil works of darkness as it relates to sexual abuse or sexual sins. And I also learned that God was a comforter, as one night as I was crying after hearing yet another wretched story, and I cried out to God, “God, why must it hurt so much?!” He said to me, “If your heart is broken by what breaks my heart, you can trust that I will comfort you.” And He has and He does. So I continue to believe that for you and with you . . . Hugs!

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:44 am

      Hope, you have been such an encouragement to me! I thank God for connecting us, and for you sharing your story (stories). There were moments where the attacks and lies actually made me step back and ask if I made it all up, the abuse. The mind can go to crazy places in a vulnerable place! But then the truth would jump out at me, and I’d recount conversations I had, witnesses who spoke to me–witnesses in cases that supposedly never took place–and I’d know I was dealing with truth. And knowing others had experienced similar ‘attacks’–even those still in conservative churches–made me realize how much this is about a stronghold, and the enemy defending his turf in the church. It isn’t about me. It isn’t about rejection of me. It is spiritual war. And I am not fighting alone. You are a faithful warrior for the vulnerable and a light in my life. Thank you!

  3. Darla December 6, 2014 / 2:57 am

    I’m sorry….so sorry and i understand as well as i can. My man has taught me that true church is far more than a building and many times doesn’t even involve a building. It’s about pockets of true believers around the world that God brings into our lives when we are hurting from the very ones who are supposed to be our support system. The hurt when it comes from within the church is horribly devastating but yet i’m always amazed at how God manages to bring beauty out of it all.
    Rest, friend, and carry on in what God shows you.

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:40 am

      Thank you Darla! Knowing all you shared with me a while back, your message means so much! Your husband is right on! And I thank God that He has connected me to His children–‘the church’–across the globe via social media, email etc. I have been blessed by people like you who connect in a transparent and life-giving way, where all cultural/denominational barriers are shattered. It is wonderful! Blessings to you and your family!

  4. truthseeker December 6, 2014 / 3:33 am

    Trudy, my heart aches because of what you have had to experience because of your love and passion for hurting people and your desire to help them and point them to Jesus and offer them hope. As one of your past clients I can not be grateful enough for how you were there in one of the toughest times in my life. I am thankful that you are able to feel again and I hope that we will see more blogs…regardless of how many toes they step on. Blessings n love to you!

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:33 am

      Thank you ‘T’ (I’ll use that for short, instead of Truthseeker, from now on). 🙂 It was an honour to walk through that difficult season with you. You were/are brave and courageous, and that will take you far. I’d go through it all again, for you and every client I was/am able to encourage on the way. I have no regrets. Besides, I am stronger and more rooted in God than I have ever been, with less concern of what people think than I’ve ever had. There are silver linings everywhere. 🙂 Keep fighting forward!

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:37 am

      Thank you Truthseeker! It was an honour to walk through that painful season of life with you. You pressed forward with courage, even though it was very vulnerable, and that determination will take you far! I would go through it all again–even the depression and ‘deadness’–for you and all the clients I was/am able to encourage on the way. It was so worth it! You were worth it!. And, besides, I am stronger than I have ever been and less concerned than ever before about religious opinion and what people think of me. While I intend to remain compassionate and sensitive, I don’t think I have any fear left. Okay, maybe a little, but I can’t find it. 🙂 A silver lining in every cloud!

  5. gilldares December 6, 2014 / 5:02 am

    To have experienced all this and yet be ready to risk trusting again within two short years is a miracle of grace. To have distinguished between church practises and true fellowship is a vital lesson and one that will serve you far better than keeping up appearances.
    You are a modern day reformer and live out the redeeming example of Christ daily.
    Thank you so much for sharing Trudy.

    • Trudy Metzger December 7, 2014 / 1:49 am

      Thank you for the kind encouragement. I’m not sure I’m ‘ready’, but my heart wants to try again… little by little. 🙂 You are so right that knowing true fellowship will serve me better than appearances. I find I can worship anywhere, in any church–or other environment–at any time. God has taught me more than I could have imagined in all of this. Blessings to you!

  6. Darlene December 7, 2014 / 12:49 pm

    Thank you, dear sister, for opening up and being brave enough to be honest about what is going on in your life. I, also am a ‘people helper’, taking Jesus to those who have been robed of their innocence by those they trusted. I also have discovered the energy and emotion that is invested in protecting the perpetrators. The reasons for protection have varied from “he is a Sunday school teacher, song leader, trustee, pastor . . . and we would not want to spoil his reputation” to “they give a lot of money and do many good things let’s not ruin that” to “we do not want to work with ‘those people’ because we are not equipped to deal with ‘those things’. Thank you for keeping on – it encourages me to do the same.

  7. rb December 7, 2014 / 6:08 pm

    Thanks for sharing that blog. Its true it hurts more if its church family or even family. Please hang in there Trudy. We need you. Praying for you.

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