Tomorrow we leave for Canton Ohio, to lead a Faith Girls Unleashed women’s conference at North Industry Christian Church. We are excited to see the healing that God has planned for the weekend.
I am humbled, every time I do this, to think that God uses me, in my humanity, to represent His heart to His wounded daughters. I am keenly aware that it is not of myself that healing can come out of my story. It is His mercy that saved me, His love flowing through my very broken story, and His grace in my ‘present’ that allows me to do any good at all.
Each time I prepare for a weekend like this, I find my spirit oppressed and attacked. It has become part of the experience. The enemy poking, pointing, mocking and reminding me who I am and all I have done, and the things I sometimes still do, that makes me unworthy.
What changes, however, is his power to convince me that ministry has anything, whatsoever, to do with my goodness. In fact, if there is one time I agree with the enemy, it is when he points out my faults. I used to try to argue. Now I agree.
It is true. I sin. It is true. I am not worthy. Of myself I am not worthy at all. But he forgets, or chooses not to acknowledge, whose daughter I am. And as God’s daughter, it isn’t me I represent. It is my Heavenly Father. I can tell you all the horrible mistakes I’ve made, the sins I’ve committed, the wrong thoughts the selfish acts. They’re true. They exist. I try not to surrender. I do my best to live for God, but I fail. I mess up.
And if you were to come to me to point out some sin, and say, “I heard….” or “Someone saw…”, I would probably say, “it’s true. I did that.”
Is that what my heart longs for? No! My heart cries out for holiness, to honour God in every thought and deed. But I don’t manage it.
So I’ve started to tell the enemy, when he comes pointing fingers, “You’re right. I did that. You’re right. I am a sinner. You’re right. I fail.” But, since he is a liar, and the father of them, I know he’s dealing half-truths, at best, and I remind him that I repent quickly. That my identity is not found in attaining sinlessness. It is found in Jesus. And He loves me in spite of those things. I belong to God, and he has no right to hold against me, what He has forgiven.”
The Bible says that the enemy, Satan, is the accuser of the brethren. He stands before God’s throne, day and night, pointing out all the things we do wrong, and telling God how horrid and sinful His children are. He takes the truth of our humanity, and tries to minimize God’s grace, His ability to forgive.
But God doesn’t see us through the eyes of judgement, and look on our sinfulness, even though we are sinful creatures. He looks on us with the eyes of love–through the eyes of His Son, who says, “I understand their humanity, their temptations. That’s why I died for them.”
So, as we head into the weekend, I go with the awareness that I am human. I am empty, in and of myself. I go to pour out the love of Jesus, to tap into what He has done for me, and offer His love and hope to broken hearts and wounded lives. To encourage those who are in ministry, and help them understand those of us who have been wounded.
It’s going to be a good weekend. A very good weekend. Because God is going to heal us, and be present in our midst. He will accept the gift I bring, as I pour out of my emptiness, and allow Him to flow through me, giving life. It is a sweet thing, to do life with Jesus!
© Trudy Metzger
Return to first post in Sexual Abuse Series
First Post in Spiritual Abuse Series