And then the world, it just stops, without any warning, leaving you there, still spinning furiously. And you wonder if you will ever stop.
The boxes fill with things… things you thought you needed. Maybe. But you throw them all in, one by one. The sparklers for the cakes that never were. And the pretty candles, that smell like coffee. The little booklets. The dishes. Too many. Seldom used. And the boxes, they fill up so fast.
And you know your world will never be the same. Only a fool would think it could. And nothing really matters, suddenly, when your world stops, like that, without any warning.
Then your mind, it spins so fast, it makes you stop, and now you and the world stand still, but your mind, it spins faster than the world has ever travelled. And you know it was crazy to believe. Crazy…
Is crazy even a word? Or is it just a feeling? Something that happens when the world stops and your mind starts spinning. And you find yourself wondering if you will ever be sane again, or if you ever were.
The bubbles have burst. They had become so big. So real. The world was just about to change… it seemed that real.
Now, they are nothing more than a damp spot on my face. Or is that my tears? How I hate to cry. I’ve been strong all my life. So strong. And tears… they only happen when I feel safe, or really lost and angry. I don’t feel safe.
The teddy bears are in the box now, and all my favourite things, and everything I don’t need. It’s going away. I don’t know where, but somewhere. Far away.
The piano, it sits there without a sound. The music died when the world stopped. The final note faded and never played again. It’s going away too.
What I fool I was to believe the world would change. That the music would play with meaning. That the dying people, would live again, that the sick would be healed. I believed it. But when the world stopped spinning, it stopped with the sun on the opposite side. It left me here in the dark. Alone.
And I wonder if I will ever breathe again. Will I stand here forever, my mind spinning like this, as I fill the boxes? Or will the world start again, as abruptly, and hurl me into space? And if it does, you know that any little thing can make it stop again. And you wonder how often your mind can take it? How long before it just stops, and never starts again?
The boxes are full. All my dreams are packed and ready. Ready to be shipped to that place, far away. I don’t know where.
It’s lonely, when the world stops so suddenly. And you don’t know where anyone is. And you can’t really walk, and start looking, because you don’t know where you are, when the sun doesn’t shine.
It’s getting cold. But I packed my blankets… My heart, it beats so slowly now…
And in that hopeless place, when all is lost, when I feel a part of me has died, that is when the Hurt & The Healer collide…
Lyrics for The Hurt & The Healer (Mercy Me)
Why?
The question that is never far away
But healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
© Trudy Metzger
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First Post in Spiritual Abuse Series
A Splash of Love.... 
…. don’t know you personally, but thru a mutual friend I began reading your blog…
This one doesn’t ‘fit’…
Hope you are as ‘okay’ as you can be and …. as silly as it sounds from a complete stranger; I’m here if you need me.
Grace…and Peace…
I’m ok, Mary Margaret, thank you. 🙂
I tend to use this style of writing when I can’t put things into words in the ‘real world’ sense of things. It’s the best I can describe when an individual, or a family, for that matter, is confronted with trauma. Whether that trauma is sexual abuse of oneself or a family member, or the memories of the past resurfacing, or other tragedy and difficulty, there is a moment when it feels like everything that was secure is gone. When the things that seemed important, lose value and meaning.
Without the song, the post is incomplete, so I’m hoping people listen to it… (Maybe I’ll go back and add the lyrics.)
Ahh…I understand. Living it. As one who was also sexually abused as a young girl, nothing enrages me more than childhood sexual abuse. Thru God’s grace and years of unearthing the roots of this insidiously toxic defiling weed from the garden of my soul, I have been able to forgive and receive healing. However, the consequences of having lost innocence so young still runs threads of fear and shame and I too grow battle-weary.