Life has a way about it. Running ahead, now and then, at a pace faster than me. Or lagging behind… way behind, and trying my patience. In either case, I find myself struggling and uncertain.
Lately, it seems I’ve been struggling more than I have in years. Is it ok to admit that? Here in the world-wide web, where millions could see my weakness? That is, if so many people were inclined to visit here. Which would be nice, and might make me feel good for a day or so, but it would be fleeting joy, fleeting comfort. Life is bigger than that.
I wish I knew what it meant, this restless feeling in my soul. But there is no explanation, just an unsettled awareness. Maybe it’s because I’ve slipped outside of my comfort zone by being more publicly vulnerable than I’ve ever been before. And maybe it’s preparation for what lies ahead, as I move further and further from the safety of silence.
I recall as children, when we would play Prisoner’s Base, Tag, or that sort of game. As much as I am adventurous and daring, I am calculated and conservative, when it comes to risk. And I was sneaky. Very sneaky. I would wait for just the right time before making a dash for it, always prepared to run back to base.
To be effective in God’s Kingdom, we have to learn to abandon self preservation, and run further, and further, from our safe zone. He needs us outside of our comfort zone, if we are serious about impacting His Kingdom. Being ‘aware’ of enemy lines, and knowing when to retreat and rest is good. And this is my time to rest.
When I need rest, there is one constant in my life that remains. When all else is wrong, it is right. And that constant is my relationship with God. He is there, steady, unchanging, always offering me love and acceptance. He is my ‘Papa’, my Abba-Father. In my times of uncertainty, if I fall hard on Him, I am comforted, I find rest and there I find myself, my identity… In Him, I find peace. That relationship hinges, not on my ability to connect or hold it together, but on His sustaining love and grace.
I believe this current uncertainty, this restlessness, is God drawing me aside in preparation for what lies ahead. Tackling the topic of Sexual Abuse in Christian Cultures, is a heavy and troubling topic. I have committed myself to it, and as soon as I feel released to do it, I will jump in. In the meantime, the weight of it has forced me to go deeper with God, and seek His heart.
I’m not depressed—though melancholy feelings are closer than usual—but, rather, I feel God is inviting me for a time apart. I sense powerfully that He is here, in this season. He is working. Preparing. Changing. Transforming.
© Trudy Metzger 2012