“What’s happening to me?”
I worked from home on Monday because I wasn’t feeling well. Besides this, Todd was sick. Tim, who had an extreme toothache because of an abscess, was at the dentist’s.
The other children were home from school and had just finished watching a TV program. I was in the middle of something on the computer when I heard a startling thud as my 16-yr-old daughter’s body hit the tile kitchen floor.
It took a matter of seconds for me to put down my laptop and various other items in my hand and run to see what happened. I called Alicia’s name as I moved toward her, with no response.
When I reached her, Alicia sat up confused, eyes widely dilated. “Am I dreaming? What is happening to me?”
I helped her get up, set her in a chair and assessed the damage. Two front teeth badly damaged—one with more than half of it missing. No other visible bruising or immediate pain besides a headache.
“What’s happening to me?” she asked several times as I checked things out. Initially she vacillated between shaky giggles and verging on tears. She was pale and weak, but seemed stable. I called the dentist, where Tim had an appointment for his abscess tooth. Tim had left already but they advised me to take Alicia to emerge. I called Tim on his cell to let him know what had happened and tell him we had to get Alicia to emerge. Alicia was still weak and unable to walk, so I had no choice but to wait.
Rather than stabilizing, Alicia started to fade on me, what colour she had, drained until she was ashen and grey. Her skin was suddenly clammy, cool and her neck sweating. As her voice grew weaker, she looked at me again, “What’s happening to me, Mommy? What’s wrong with me? I feel sick.”
“I don’t know, Sweetie. You’re going to be okay. I don’t know what’s wrong,” I repeated these words, more for myself than for her, as I stood there, helpless to do anything but hold her and pray.
Panic, fear and shock reflected from her eyes. “Talk to Jesus, Sweetie,” I said.
“I already am.”
“I’m praying.” I could think of nothing else to say to reassure her. Maybe nothing else was necessary.
I tried not to think the worst, but the fears played in my head. What if…. What if…. What if….
I pushed the thoughts away. There was no time for fears or what if’s. I had to focus. Nausea started. The clamminess got worse. She was leaning harder on me. Her body more limp in my arms.
There is a moment when a mother can’t take any more. I picked up the phone and dialed 911. The symptoms were too much. I could feel my own heart losing rhythm from the stress. As a heart patient I felt I had reached my breaking point. While I waited I took Alicia’s blood pressure and discovered it had dropped to 80 over 50. Likely the reason she had collapsed in the first place.
Approximately 15 minutes later Tim arrived, followed moments later by the emergency crew. Alicia was slowly regaining her colour, but the attendants advised that she be taken to the hospital as her blood pressure remained low and the risk for another episode was too high.
Over the next few hours Alicia was thoroughly checked by a doctor, pricked and poked and prodded. The ECG indicated a healthy heart and the blood work offered no clues. There didn’t appear to be a concussion and her blood pressure had stabilized so, after all the tests were done, she was released to come home.
Reflecting on the events of the day, I knew this: I would lay down my life for my children. There is nothing more horrifying than to hold your child in your arms and fear it may be the last. It is a parent’s worst nightmare! To be completely helpless and to love so powerfully creates extreme conflict!
My reaction is not surprising. I am a mother. As a mother, and as a woman, I am created in the image of God. An image is a reflection. A reflection. I, as a mother and a woman, reflect the heart of God. All good that is in me comes from the heart of God.
When my child is in danger, when my child is terrified, my heart is moved to compassion. Everything in me wants that child to live, to be healthy and be successful.
It would be arrogant of me to think that God is any less a Father than I am a mother. Every good desire I have for my child, as a reflection of God’s heart, has no substance to it compared to the Source of that reflection.
God desires nothing but good, nothing but a life full of purpose for me. He is a good Daddy who holds me close to His heart no matter what is happening in my life. He is a God I can trust.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”